Another lightbulb!

Today I was having a hard time with my lower legs, keeping them kicked forward instead of pulling them back and up for the leg aid. The good news is now I can feel it when my lower leg swings back and up, the bad news is I don't feel it until after it has moved. But I figure that feeling it at all is progress, and soon I'll feel it earlier and earlier and eventually stop it completely and transition to a correct leg aid. I also had trouble coordinating my inside leg to outside hand - the whole day was one of the days where mostly I felt like a scarecrow up there, with a few moments where I got it together and a beam of light shone down from heaven. Then we worked on the leg yield - I've caught onto the timing of the aid leg, but I was still having Charlie's shoulders lead. I had figured out that I needed a "blocking" aid to stop his shoulder from popping through, but I was trying to do it off my hand. When Shannon finally figured out that I wasn't really using my outside leg, and had me use it as well - which was a feat of coordination to use it while using the other leg in a different way - everything snapped into place and I got some nice leg yields. So that was really nice, and another moment where I don't know why it doesn't occur to me to try to use my leg yields and instead I just keep doing it wrong with my hands. I also have reverted back to forgetting to use my back as an aid - as Shannon pointed out, I don't have any problems doing it over fences, and it's really the same thing - and she's right - I don't know why riding fences is SO much easier for me than riding dressage. It was a good lesson - frustrating, but with a couple of break through moments, so that was a nice reward!

Riding correctly

Today is noteworthy only in that I could finally see a direct result of all the past lessons during today's lesson where I actually could feel and had time to make the changes. We rode a very similar course to last week's at John's, only the long line had gotten longer and was a big 5 now. The light bulb that finally went off for me was the feeling of riding a big canter, but using the half halt around the corners and in between the fences to turn the big canter from a strung out, on the forehand canter to a ready to launch canter. Charlie helped by making it totally obvious: first time through line - long and strung out - horrible jumping on both our parts and he knocked the fence; second time through the line - big canter down the long side, half halt in the corner, half halt in between while keeping the big canter - perfectly flowing and harmonious fences. I still ride timid, and I'm prone to scrunching Charlie up slower and slower instead of getting him back on his haunches, but the feeling was so obvious and different when we jumped off the haunches instead of the forehand that I'm going to work really hard to make sure we never go back to forehand jumping. The other thing I caught onto was the importance of the line and the distances - we still had the bendy line, and my last line through I snipped part of it off, and it put us there at the wrong spot. While Charlie is experienced enough to get himself over the fence, I could really feel the difference from when we rode it on the correct bend. John said if you feel that you're off the line but can't fix it, you can do a bigger half halt, and it solves the problem also. It was another great lesson, and satisfying because I felt like I am not impossibly slow and am finally starting to put this stuff together. Also, gray horses make Charlie anxious.

Continuing to fail to correct the obvious

Today I had a great lesson with John, but a couple more slices of humble pie. First, I forgot about riding a bendy line from center to center, and couldn't tell why sometimes I got it right, and why sometimes we were a half stride off. Then, I kept forgetting to look at the next fence around a roll back corner, even though by the time I forgot it the 10th time or so I wanted to kick myself for overshooting and having to scramble to fix it. Third, I couldn't remember to half halt around the corners, while maintaining impulsion (key to this problem? I have been using my legs last instead of first in the half halt, so I lose impulsion when I half halt), so that we came into the fences nice and round. And fourth, Charlie has hoodwinked me in the half halts. He has cleverly been tucking his head, so I feel him go lighter in my hand, but I don't feel the "poof" in his back. This is because he isn't really half halting (see above). These were all perfectly timed for what looked like it would be hard on the novice courses, and I'd way rather know what my mistakes are, but I would like, every once in a while, to not look like a solid D student. I was telling myself, "C'mon Martha, pull it together" but as soon as I focus on one thing, another one drops off my radar and when I focus back on the dropped one, I drop a new thing.

Aspen video - 2nd round BN

The Beginner Novice course had an up bank, down bank, 3 stride combination, and the usual twisty turns. It rode really well and Charlie was an absolutely reliable champ. I rode the first round a little nervous and tight, so instead of going novice, I rode it again, much better except for we came into the final fence a little long so I launched it instead of adding an extra stride. Next month we'll do Novice twice and be ready to go for this year's season! Much to my surprise, the novice did not look that much bigger or harder (although it definitely needed more control for tighter turns while going faster so I'm probably grossly underestimating how hard that will be to do), except for the last fence which was an enormous rolltop. Since Charlie jumps like a dream, and jumps even better when the fences get bigger, today really helped me build confidence - although I was a little disappointed that I immediately got nervous when we got there, I was really pleased with how much improved my riding feels from the end of last year. I felt like I could think about a lot more things and react a lot better and plan ahead compared to last year. And like my position was more solid. And much to my relief, I did not have any issues with the right hand turns. Charlie is dreamy. I loooovveeee Charlie!

More Aspen derby photos

Some photos from the derby at Aspen

Improvement on the right lead canter

We started taking away my crutches today, and Shannon made me ride off the rail, so particularly for the right lead canter, I can't use the three corners of the arena as helpful corner forcers. Everything works (somewhat awkwardly, but works) if I keep my left hand down and pull back, either with a squeeze with my fingers or actual elbow back. What doesn't work is when I fling my right hand open. We also took some video today, and while a lot of things look better to me, the relative improvement in those areas accentuates my constantly moving hands and how obvious it is when I quit thinking about my aids, and my heels swing back up instead of doing the pinch aid. But what was good about it is there are moments - short and infrequent, but there if you don't blink - where I've got it together. So my goal for this year is to make those moments last longer and come more often. We did 20 meter, 15 meter, 10 meter circles, and then some center line work (so she could see how straight we were) and then some shoulder-in. I'm really happy that the progress is showing in the right lead canter. My body still moves very awkwardly compared to the left, but it's slowly slowly fixing.

4 ground exercises to strengthen my left side

Shannon and I went to John's today for a jump lesson, and he had vertigo once, so had some ground exercises and very quickly identified what was going on. It was eerie how quickly he was able to identify everything (and explain it's source) without even seeing me ride, and that it was identical to Shannon's observations over the past month and a half or so. He suggested that I stand on one leg (the right one) and first hold my left leg out until it is stable, then start moving it around so that it is independent of my hand. Second, get a stress ball and squeeze it with my left hand (which is weaker than my right, and probably why those fingers are always opening). Third, put some big rubberbands on my left forearm with my sleeve pushed up, attach them to the breastplate/martingale strap, and then my left arm won't be able to cross over the neck or move too far up the neck without the rubber band tension reminding it to stop (in other words, the rubber band tells me what I can't feel, like Shannon can do in a lesson but that I reinforce when I'm alone because I can't feel where that arm is). Fourth, try doing more with my left hand. Like brushing my teeth or grooming Charlie - the left side is basically atrophying because I use the right side so dominantly. Then he had us warm up by riding in a circle in between two standards, so I HAD to steer Charlie properly. Then we jumped a cross rail with that same hard right hand turn through the standards to the right to the fence, so I had to make the right hand turn in a hard way three times on the circle. Then we jumped two fences in a modified figure 8. Same exercise here with the right hand, only I had more space, and to the left, the focus was on bending his neck to the left. This one was awful because out of, I don't know - 12-20 times - I maybe landed on the correct lead twice. Even a 50/50 chance would have better results. These exercises worked because of just the slightest difference in the wording of what I should do - pull my left elbow BACK. It prevents my left hand from crossing over his neck, it acts like a half halt, and it steers. But when I think pull on my left hand, I pull it up or forward or over. The other tip was to act like my right elbow was attached to my hip, making a hinge. I can still open my right hand, but I can't lift my elbow out. And then after I was able to turn to the right again, the next level of refinement was to ask for the canter to be bigger first, ask with my right leg, then pull the left hand back. This got Charlie to come around the corner very well balanced, and it made a huge difference in our approach to the fence. I think these are the same things as before - ride from the outside rein, bend, connect - but something about having vertigo suddenly accentuated all of it, and both Shannon and John were right in now that we've identified it, we can fix it.

Pema Chodron and the C student

Pema Chodron is the only buddhist I've ever been able to read (or listen to, in a book on tape in the car) and really understand what she's saying. She claims, in one lecture, it's because she's a C student and because she had to work so hard at things that came naturally to other people studying buddhism, it helps her explain things now. Personally, I think it's probably more because she used to be a kindergarten teacher and thus, can explain it at the lowest common denominator. Regardless, it's what I was thinking of today when I had a total meltdown and just lost my marbles because of my continued inability to turn right at the canter. I can use three of the walls, but the one corner that needs actual steering, I can't do it, we just drift down the long side of the arena. This post is merely to say that I can't turn right in the hopes that one day, I'll look back and be glad I'm past this phase, and that it really didn't take as long as it feels like it is going to. The magic has something to do with NOT lifting my left hand, but I have no idea what it is that's wrong since I can do it in the walk and the trot and I try to mimic all of the feelings exactly.

A couple things are better; some perpetual issues

Today was kind of a discouraging lesson because even though I'm all fired up and looking forward to this year's show season, I'm still a passive rider. It's like no matter how many tools are in my tool belt, until Shannon tells me what to do, I don't think or try to do anything myself. It's infuriating. And I'll focus on one thing, and it's just random luck when I happen to be focusing on the thing that needs to be focused on. We jumped today, and the goods part were Shannon raised the jumps a bit and it didn't faze me at all, my lower leg feels pretty good and steady underneath me, and riding up in my half seat with my hands pushed into his neck feels really comfortable now compared to how it felt all new and different last year. The bad news? I still ride passive and quiet to the fence, can't correct an error when it starts, and my right hand is still a loony tune. Shannon had me ride in the warm up with my right hand pressed into his mane, forward up his neck, and the left hand pressed down near the martingale strap. This feels crazy, but she said it's to reset the feeling where "correct" is. We had two additions that proved to be more difficult than they should have, plus two run-outs that I completely failed to correct. First, we rode a barrel on its side, with wings, so there was a tiny narrow part to jump over. We did this late last summer just fine, so I approached it focusing on the prior instruction - eyes up and forward, instead of looking down at what we were jumping. So even though I felt the run-out coming from way far away, I did NOTHING to stop it. No kicking, no growling, no smack with the whip. We just ran out, ran past it, and then finally wound down to a halt. So then the next five times, I tried to fix it, but instead of kicking and sitting up, I'd see saw with my hands, especially my right hand, making him bulge out through the left shoulder, and we'd jump it at a wonky angle. I had to clamp the right hand into his neck, and then focus on riding assertively with my legs to make it work. Then our next hard fence was a diagonal line - straight over the wall and then stay on a line so we jumped a barrel vertical at an angle. And for this one, Charlie kept charging in between the two. So for this one, I had to think "half halt" to re-balance around the corner to the fence, before the fence, as soon as we jumped, and then I'd half halt again a couple strides in, and then we could fit in the stride and jump the line, but he charged a bit after the last half halt. Shannon said this was because he was bored once he knew what the exercise was. I looked back at the lessons from a year ago to see what we were working on then, and sadly, it was my goofy right hand. I think one of the obstacles is that I do the one jump lesson a week, and don't jump in between, so I really only work on this during the lesson. Originally, what I wanted to do was have Shannon ride once a week to keep him tuned up, jump twice a week (once in a lesson), give him a day off, a day of trail riding/conditioning, and then two days of dressage.

Humble pie eating contest

We are racing out the door to White Pass, so this is a very brief synopsis of my lesson - which is fine because it's not the sort I could pleasantly dwell on. I'm going to tell myself that breakthroughs to the next level don't happen until you're really struggling, although I'm not sure that's true, but I WAS struggling today. We went back a few lessons to leg yielding. To one direction (the right) it's a cakewalk. The other way (left), I get myself all tangled up, we start going sideways and eventually just halt. There's a lot going wrong. My right hand lifts up and then opens - my right leg squeezes up to the saddle pad, my left hand starts pulling, and my legs are kicking inconsistently. We had to break it down into a walk, then with Shannon walking alongside me with each specific instruction, and finally, with her riding and me watching. First - I need to give the leg aid when his hind leg is lifting. So if we're going right, it is when his left hind leg lifts, which is when my right hip starts to move forward. My leg sputters. Second - My leg aid isn't correct. I either twist my toe out to dig my heel in, or lift my heel up to squeeze way up high next to the saddle pad. This was easiest to see standing on the ground watching Shannon give the aid. She squeezes from the lower leg but doesn't really use her heel at all. This part, oddly, was absolutely the hardest for me to wrap my tiny brain around. Third - I get frustrated and then start spazzing out with my hands and legs. Fourth - So Charlie stops listening because it's information overload, and then, on the rare occasion when I get it right, he doesn't respond, so I don't realize whether or not I've gotten it right. (Until Shannon gets on, gets him responsive, and then I get on again.) I'm having a low moment where I feel like there's no way I should be competing or even wasting instructor's time, and then I repeat to myself that this is just the next layer of refinement, and it feels overwhelming because it's all so new, but just like struggling to keep my leg from swinging two years ago is now just habit, one day this will be too and I'll be working on something even more refined and feeling just as frustrated about how I'm the worst rider in the world. In other words, I'm trying to put a positive spin on this (It's progress!) instead of a negative (I suck!).

Sluggish reaction time

Charlie got the beginning of the week off for some epsom soaking, but an abscess never popped out. On Thursday he was a delight to ride - frisky so I didn't need any leg, but happy to be back to work - Friday he was a poop for Shannon. We jumped outside today, taking advantage of the rare February clear, dry day. Charlie was a champ, except for one very embarrassing run out, although I'm not even sure you could call it that since it started so incredibly far away. A branch fell in the arena, and sometimes Charlie spooks at it and sometimes he doesn't. We hadn't ridden past it until we were heading for the fence today, and so he saw it and zeroed in on it, and although I could feel it coming from what felt like a million miles away, I couldn't figure out how to prevent the spook. So he had lots and lots of time to decide what he was going to do while I sat there and did nothing. Then, once he started to react, I did exactly the wrong thing (turned him in the direction he was already going) and then when I caught myself and remembered I was supposed to use the opposite hand, I made us go the other wrong way. Shannon's instructions were, no matter what - keep him going towards the fence. Even if you have to stop and then hop over it from a standstill. After that initial reaction, though, the rest of the lesson was a cakewalk. We did the skinny wall to a vertical with barrels under it (side note: When Shannon looks like she is playing Donkey Kong and rolling a barrel, Charlie keeps a careful eye on her), with a right hand turn to an oxer that Shannon raised a hole from the last lesson, so Charlie made himself nice and round over it. I noticed I prefer jumping because I like riding in my half seat with my hands pressed into the side of his neck. Everything is easier when my hands are up there out of the way. I also got one fence where I got the "extra" stride in instead of launching (last year's lessons stuck with me!) and another where I launched my hands forward, which is something I noticed at the end of last year that I started to do.

Trail riding homework & Frisky Charlie

For today's jump lesson, Charlie started out frisky and stayed consistently frisky. This was good because I got an opportunity to watch how Shannon would handle it, which is much more firm (and quick) than me. I always appreciate it when I'm in a lesson for something new getting introduced that I don't have the tools to know how to react. On the ground, I tend to kind of casually walk in front of Charlie, instead of next to his shoulder with a person's width space between me and his shoulder. If he is trying to hop around and get in her personal space, she makes him halt and, if needed, shows him the whip so he's more respectful. We started with some work on a circle, and he was nice and energetic, but he was so energetic she had me do two gallop laps each direction. I was really hesitant to do it - I've lost my desire to go fast - but once we got going and I trusted Charlie, it was actually fun and he couldn't hop one way or the other while he was focused on going forward. Then we jumped, two fences in a half circle to a half figure 8, which Shannon gradually raised to 2'8". The big lesson from this - for today with a frisky Charlie - was to work on my hands pressed into his neck. Especially turning on the right lead canter, to press my right hand up his neck, left hand pulled back to the breastplate, and clamp them down, and then try to bend him to the left (which, when I feel is wildly to the left, is about straight) - and to do that with my hands pressed into his neck means I squeeze the left rein like a sponge and use my left leg. The first few fences, Charlie was very enthusiastic, and as we'd come to them, the last few strides he'd kind of lunge forward, and blow past my half halts with my seat (especially once I had my hands clamped down). But after he got over his enthusiasm, he went back to his normal jumping. Shannon suggested that I try the exaggerated hand position for a while just to reset my brain. She also gave me homework - riding once a week on the trail, with the reins in one hand and that hand being still and quiet. She said it will be good for me to trick my hands into not always fidgeting, good for Charlie to work on his 5th leg, and good for Charlie mentally to have a break from me overthinking and overworking everything.

Our first flying change! (sort of)

Today we started with some leg yields, where I immediately got all wonky and would pull my right hand back to try to straighten Charlie to the left. While this was infuriating (after the 5th time in a row I did it while I swear (I swear, Shannon!) I was telling my body to do the opposite), it did lead to a new way to think about my hands. Shannon noticed whenever I try to do anything that involves my left hand, It likes to cross over Charlie's neck. (And I say "It" on purpose like It has a mind of Its own.) So she came up with some instructions for It to try to help It not just cross over - either squeezing like a sponge, pulling back, or (at the end of the lesson) remembering to use my back and keep both hands together and lean back just a tiny bit - something she taught me probably 6 months ago that I have since forgotten to do. Actually, before that we worked on 10 meter circles at the trot, then when I'd get back to the rail, at the canter, where I exhibited my idiot inability to turn right at the canter, with my right hand flinging out into space and my left hand flailing over the neck. Then we did some counter canter and bending Charlie to the inside and outside while going along the rail. All of this, I'm also trying to think about kicking my lower leg forward with my heels down and toes pointed in. Then we got on a smallish circle on the left lead, came around counterclockwise to noon, and then pointed straight at 6 (the rail) and then I'd turn his neck to the right, and ask for right lead canter. It took a few tries, and then Charlie realized what I was trying to ask him for, and tried to do it, but I'd panic and get him twisted, so he only switched his front end. But it was this BIG jump up in the air when he was switching. And he is sooooo sweet that he tried so hard to figure out what the hell I was asking him to do flailing around up there and then tried to do it. AND - as a side effect, then when I went the wrong way once, then Shannon noticed if I try bending Charlie to the outside, I can make a really small circle going to the right. So it has something to do with my right hand or shoulders I think, which means focus on "hands backward" from what they want to do - push my right hand forward and pull my left hand back and then things stay even and he can do a regular old right hand circle.

I am not an ambi-turner

I am not sure what is going on, but I've started having a lot of trouble turning to the right. We worked on this last lesson with a lot of different exercises. First, Shannon made a circle and I rode around it to the left, trying to be aware of what every part of my body was doing. Then I rode around it to the right, trying to feel what was different. As best I can tell, I twist my upper body to the right (to the inside), and then I either lift my lift hip (so my butt isn't touching as solidly as on the right) or I bear down on the right which forces the left up (can't tell which), and then open my right hand out wide. I have no idea why, and have very little control to squish it back all into place like it does when going to the left. We tried bridging the reins, and riding with them bridged and my hands pressed into his neck to try to keep the right hand from opening, which worked, but felt horribly awkward. I'm a few days late in posting this - the rest of the lesson was great but this was the focus area. It's weird - at the start of last year (not quite a year ago), we noticed how Charlie was always bent to the right, but then I could still turn right. In the course of improving everything else, somehow it has brought this issue to the forefront. We also worked on kicking my legs forward. I lift my heel for the aids, and I'm trying to keep my legs off of him except for the aid, and then to do it like a squeezing pincher instead of squeezing back onto his side. This, like all other body position changes, feels weird, like I'm sitting in a rocking chair, but then looks correct in the mirror instead of my way. The great news is that the things we've been working on the last few months, instead of just doing what Shannon says, I can actually feel it! So when Charlie is a bit uneven in the contact or is hanging on the reins, now I can feel he is doing it and know the correction!!!

First jump lesson post-vertigo

I finally jumped again! I rode again with upside down hands, which helps tremendously, and Charlie provided one perfectly timed learning opportunity by spooking at a cone, so Shannon had us ride past it until we got it right (opposite leg, bent away from spooky object). Today's challenge was making sure even with upside down hands that my right hand didn't pull further back than the left, and then making right turns. I want to cross my left hand over his neck, so I have to press my left hand into his neck and make sure I really think "wheelbarrow" hands so I turn from the outside. We just did a little vertical with ground poles and then a little oxer and then the oxer to the ground poles. I was a little off on the landing - kind of thunking down too hard and early on Charlie's back - but it went far better than I expected it to, so I think it's just one more week of "rehab" and then we can go back to gearing up for this year. And of course, I didn't escape needing to drop my weight into my heels and keep my legs from their constant staccato, but the good news is that a lot of the things Shannon described to me when she rode when I couldn't (a bit heavy on the hands, uneven weight in the hands) I can feel now - maybe a bit belatedly, but at least I can feel it - and I know how to correct it! I feel the new habits starting to click in! I'm so excited! We are definitely going to have to work on those right turns though - I wonder if that's where I lose it in show jumping in the past, and I just wasn't tuned in enough to what was going on to realize why. And I haven't mentioned it in a while, but I loooovveeee Charlie. He's the best horse ever.

Upside down hands

Today Charlie rode like a champ, and I could finally canter again without tilting around like a scarecrow, but the real gem was when Shannon took away my whip and made me ride with my hands upside down on the reins. I quit reefing on Charlie's mouth, and then he was free to move like he does when Shannon rides him. It was pretty remarkable to feel what an impact my hands are having, especially because I really can't feel them doing it. It helps that Shannon has done most of the work on him this week with me not being able to ride much, and so my new long-term goal is to get as good as Shannon. He was a real delight - we even caught a break in the rain and got to ride in the outdoor arena.

Peeling the onion

It's been a frustrating month and a half. I had a big work deadline which kept me away from the barn for most of a month, and just a few days after that ended, I got vertigo - the horsewoman's curse - which hasn't quite resolved yet. I walked on Charlie for the first time yesterday, and today I had a lesson with Shannon to try trotting and see how it went. It felt like I looked the first time I rode - hands in front of me and high like a waterskier - standing up in the stirrups - weaving around in the saddle like a drunk when I tried to change directions.
The silver lining is I have no excuse but to work on the minutiae until the vertigo is resolved - keeping my hands even, holding my lower leg off Charlie's side unless I am asking for an aid, asking once and expecting him to maintain it until I ask him for something else, working on a nice square halt, not Charlie's haunches going out to the right, no poll dropping, and flexion - Charlie is stiff through his neck, especially to the right, and I'm pretty confident this is because I reel on his poor right cheek like I'm trying to pull in a whale.
However, in a "d'oh" moment, I whined to Shannon that when I put my elbows on my hips to make sure my hands are even, every time I look down, my right hand is further back. First, my slow brain thought my right arm was short, but then when I got off, and I was showing Shannon from the ground, she pointed out that one of my hips is tilted back, and so I should probably just stop using elbows on hips as the reference point.
The other silver lining was two days ago and today I watched Shannon ride and she described what she was doing while she was doing it (and why), and it was really helpful to be able to see from the ground what doing it right looks like, and hearing what she was doing when I couldn't see it. Charlie moves so nice for her, and I still feel like he got the short end of the stick between the two of us.

Looking forward and back

The progress I've made over the last year:
1. I don't ride with my hands - as much.
2. I don't pinch with my knees - all the time.
3. My legs aren't crazy random egg beaters always flapping.
4. I can sit the trot - when it's slow and easy.
5. I can go to a beginner novice show and kick some booty.

My goals for next year:
1. Get my right hand even and make it stop pulling and get my left hand closed.
2. Master impulsion - or at least improve my leg aids (this goal has many subparts).
3. Improve use of my core and back as the aid, instead of my hands.
4. Work on 2nd level dressage.
5. Show novice eventing and stay in the ribbons.

Recalibration

I had a nice, steady lesson on Charlie today. He gave me just enough to work on to not be cocky (not that I have any reason to be after riding 3 times in the last month) but we made satisfying progress and I felt like I got it. Shannon's tip for when I'm riding by myself is to work on bending both ways and then going straight. She said Charlie was overbent to the left and stiff to the right. We worked on the proper response to the spooking (after she rode him this week, it's getting him in front of my leg and then letting him go up and down instead of faster forward or sideways) and then counter canter, which feels so wonky around the corners. News flash - even when counter cantering, they should bend in the "proper" direction (towards the inside). It was a great lesson, satisying on multiple levels, but I'm just too pooped from my month of work to do it justice describing it. I'm written out.