2 slices of humble pie

Meg let me ride Manny and then I had a lesson on Horton.  I failed at both.
Manny was having a good day, but I got him back to his nasty self, so when I finished, Meg had to get back on and clean him up.
He did a lot of scooting forward and bulging out through his left shoulder instead of bending, and then some bucks too.  I had a hard time getting him round.  He wanted to stall or go sideways instead of round, and Meg said she usually gets him forward (and flat) first, then rounds him.  She rides with a really open rein to the inside, which I had a hard time doing.
Then Ashley brought out Horton.  We did fine, with a few bucks, until everyone arrived to watch us, and then I got more and more miserable, he started bucking more, and John wanted him bent to the inside, which I was completely incapable of doing.  He also didn't like having the spur on (only the calf).  Eventually, John got on and rode the snot out of him.  At the trot, when he starts to give his buck signal, John puts on more calf.  At the canter, John sits deeper and opens his hands.  He also does some bend to the inside so that it is harder work than just doing what John was asking.  John of course made him look amazing - even with some bucks - and I started crying at the humiliation of having to get off and let John ride and then crying at my crying on a stupid negative feedback cycle.  When I got back on, he felt great, but it was so fucking terrible to not know what I was doing, to have proof that it was never me, always Charlie, and to be back at square one and have to learn everything all over again.
I know the challenge should be part of the process and the satisfaction, but all I can think of is people talking about me and saying it was Charlie and I suck.  It's like a fucking interview, everyone watching to see how I'll perform.
And my confidence is just fucking destroyed.  Charlie was the little shred that was left.  PB and then Kevin, and this god damn bullshit at work, I've got nothing to draw from.
I'm not sure I want to start over, but I'm self destructing without Charlie.
Also, I saw Harper's new horse, some fancy thing from overseas (apparently her last horse was some $70 or $80k horse?), and he's 5 and his neck is a funny shape and I never in a million years would have given him a second look, but John said he should be able to go advanced by next year.  He looked better under saddle, but not enough to make me stop and take in my breath.
So I know nothing.  This is all just blind dumb fucking luck with the odds stacked against me.  I hate this.  I hate everything.  I hate my life when I don't ride.