Connection

I didn't know that grief could feel this devastating.  And here's my theory - Charlie and I were a team in a way I haven't ever been with a human, and in a way more deep than with a human because we couldn't talk.  Charlie trusted me and I trusted him, and we had a way to communicate with each other that was so much deeper than words.  And that it was unconditional love, in a way no partner has lasted.  I might be mad at him, he might be mad at me, but we loved each other anyway.
And unlike humans, I told Charlie every day how lucky I was to have him and how much I loved him.  And I loved him despite his (very few) flaws, and he loved me for who I am.  We worked together to improve and to grow.  Charlie was what I always wanted in a partner.  He nickered when he heard me coming.  I loved Charlie more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life.

The Past & Future

Two days ago, Charlie had an accident in his pasture and had to be euthanized.  It feels like my heart was sucked out of my body and through a black hole.  At least three bones in his left hind leg were broken (tibia, hock, femur), and the vet thought some of them multiple times.  The tibia was snapped completely off and trying to come out of the inside of his leg, and there was some sort of hole above it that was bleeding pretty good.  He couldn't get up.
No one saw it happen, but all three panels of the fence were broken towards Caruso's pasture, and the electric wire had snapped off too.
I think it happened around 1:30.  The neighbors saw it and called Northwind; they started calling me; and I answered on the third try - I was about to volunteer with Ele and was walking into the hospital when the phone started ringing.  Dr. Wenzell got there about 10 minutes after me, and we probably put him down 5 minutes later.  I talked to him until she got there and while he died, and tried not to cry and scare him until it was over.
Then I sat on the ground next to him and cried until they brought the tarp out to cover him.
I have howled and wailed and sobbed horrible gut-wrenching sobs for the last two days.  
I loved Charlie beyond anything.  He was my partner and I trusted him with my life.  My body is twitching, wanting to run and put my arms around his neck and my face in his and feel the reins and that planted, harmonious feeling we had just gotten reliably to.
I loved Charlie more than I have ever loved anyone or anything, and I thought I had 10 more years with him.
I loved Charlie and I don't know how my heart keeps beating without him.
Charlie was my best friend, my one constant, the thing that kept me sane and gave me purpose.  Charlie was my heart and my soul.  
He died with the sun on his back.  He was in pain, but I think no more than an hour.  I got to say goodbye to him, and if things had been just a little different, I wouldn't have been there, so I am grateful for that.  Just as in life, he didn't struggle; twice he tried to sit up, but went back down and just let me talk to him.
Charlie was the greatest thing that I've ever had in my life.  Charlie is proof that I can love and be loved unconditionally.  He was a patient teacher who helped me grow.  He let me see that I could be unafraid of death, but grateful to be alive.
Charlie was my foundation, my anchor, and my support.  I built my life around him, and he - as best as I can tell - loved me back.
I am so, so, so grateful to have known Charlie and to have had five amazing years with him.  What I do not know is if I am finally destroyed.  I have never felt so paralyzed by grief; so close to being a zombie.

I went down to talk with John today.  He agreed with the vet about how Charlie probably fell.  He had an advanced horse that fell and broke just one bone; John had the surgery, the rehab, and a year of stall rest because he felt like he owed the horse to be a pasture horse, but the first time he was turned out, it broke again and John had to put him down.  He said euthanizing Charlie was the right call; that multiple breaks never would have been fixable.  I asked him if it was my fault, if I should have told them not to turn Charlie out when there was a chance of ice.  He said it wasn’t ice or Charlie jumping the fence.  He thought it was probably like I said - Charlie was running towards the fence, tried to do a sliding stop and misjudged, planted the leg, slammed through the fence, and broke everything when he hit the ground.  He said if it had been jumping or ice it would have been his neck or back that broke.  He told me he had a Grand Prix jumper who misjudged the height of one of John’s fences and tried to jump out, hit the top of the gate, and broke his knees.  He said that horse was the last one he ever would have worried about missing the height to jump over something.  

He is going to have me ride a few of his horses to see what I’m like on different horses to better pick the next horse, but he agreed with me that I will probably hate the next horse because he won’t be Charlie.  He said there aren’t many horses he’s met that are just likeable, but Charlie was one of them. 

He thinks the best thing to do would be if he can find an older competition horse who is too old for serious competition but not over the hill yet, and have me lease that horse for 6 months or so.  He said that will be my rebound horse, so that I can love the one who comes next even though he isn’t Charlie.

Then he’ll start looking for the next horse.  He thinks probably a horse who has a good personality but could use a little work.  He said unlike most of his students, I don’t mind putting the time into the horse, so I can bring it along.  He said what will take time will be finding one who has the potential to go prelim or higher but no nasty vices. 

I told him about how Charlie used to nicker when he heard me come into Forest Park, that he recognized the sound of my feet and how I walked, even though he couldn’t see me and I was as far away as possible in the barn.  I also told him that my former coworkers thought my husband’s name was Charlie for a long time because I only talked about doing things with Charlie.  He said Charlie didn't seem to like being ridden by him much, but I pointed out that just made Charlie love me more, once I was back on him.

Snow day

Despite the snow, I had a lesson (thank goodness!).  It was a light lesson, so Charlie wouldn't get sweaty, which was nice because it was so cold out I could feel the "breeze" on my cheeks.  We mostly worked on having Charlie both forward and round.  John said that when Charlie was there last week, it would take him 18 minutes to get Charlie going, then suddenly he'd just be going fine (on the first day of riding).  The next day he'd start out fine.  Then he got a couple days of just hand walking because of the frozen arena, and then he was a slug again.  John said it's better than a horse who rears after two days in the stall, but that he does better and better the more his work is regular, and to keep that in mind in show season.
He also said that the little spot on Charlie's back can be the saddle pad needing a second rinse when I wash it, a wet spot that doesn't dry before his blanket goes on, or the pressure from the saddle pad rubbing on his hair, and just to lift the saddle pad up into the gullet before I sit down.
The extra-crooked head I've been feeling he thinks is the cold bit and the stiff poll (he said it's not worth the battle to get them soft in the poll when it's cold out) and it seems to accentuate him grabbing the bit and jutting his head out.  Which would explain why I've only noticed it when it's cold out.
I asked him what he was doing with Charlie, because his shoulders got much easier to turn, and I can make the circle radius smaller and he said just shoulder in.
I feel like a million times less stressed now that I've had a lesson.