Pincher legs

Today was a big, fat slice of humble pie. It hurts my pride to even relive the lesson again, but I think it's a necessary step if I want to improve as a rider. Even though it's only a few tweaks to bad habits, to build new muscle memory, they are making me ride like an idiot who has never been on a horse or even seen someone ride a horse. I am struggling particularly with my big poofy butt that likes to sit out behind me, underneath a horrible sway back which is on the other side of a rotund buddha belly. When I try to put my poofy butt underneath me, I lift my pelvic bone (the third leg of the stool with the two seat bones) up in the air, and lean way back. When I try to suck in my stomach to straighten my back, I lift my shoulders up to my ears. Anytime I think about anything going on with my butt or back, I clench my butt and thighs, making me a pellet rolling around on top of the saddle. It's horrible. The bright light is at least I quit sticking my tongue out from the concentration anytime Shannon asks me to do something and my left toe is a tiny bit more forward. And - I have Shannon's help, and hours to look forward to on Willig where I'll have nothing else to do but concentrate on body position. So if I'm ever going to fix it, now's the best possible time. It's just horrible - not only to have to go through this gangly awkward phase, but to question all the hours I've spent on a horse so far and how I blustered my way through so many shows. And why so many horses have forgiven me. That being said, from when we started today (me sitting still, and moving my body around to try to make it right so I could feel when it was right - which I would immediately not be able to repeat and we'd have to go through it all again), to where we ended, was pretty cool. What isn't so cool is that I can't say (yet) why or how to repeat it. What happened at the end was all of a sudden, I felt like I was in the right place. I was relaxed, didn't have to fight or struggle or squirm, and could just ride. I could do transitions and sit and go around in a circle and not need to mess with anything. So it was great to feel that - like a glimpse of nirvana - to remind me of what I'm working toward. And it's great to know I can do it, I just have to figure out what got us there and how to stay there on my own. So thank god for Shannon's patience (and Charlie's), and many long hours of work appear to be ahead. But it's for a good cause - I don't want any pictures or videos of my left toe pointing out NW next year, and I want to help Charlie do the best job he can. (Speaking of, I'll probably drag him down a bit while I work on this - thank goodness for Willig to pick up some of the slack and spare Charlie a bit - so that will be depressing once I realize it's happened.) So the light bulb moment when the humble pie smacked me in the face? After the still body, I said I couldn't do the leg aid right, that it seemed like what Shannon described as the correct aid was to pinch my legs together underneath. Like that crane game where you pick up the toy? And Shannon said "like draping down and around?" and suddenly every single time I've read that in every book and article came and slammed me in the face. I am a classic leg lifter - I pull that heel up and back towards the saddle pad and kudos to all the horses who figured out that meant the same thing as "down and around". It felt completely and utterly foreign to me.