Frustrating jump lesson for every single person involved (and Duke)

We started out ok, warming up while John finished his prior lesson.  Katy came out, and he started us right away with a vertical, which he then turned to an oxer.  We were jumping back toward the barn, and the "uphill" direction, and although Duke was kind of long and flat to the fences, they were even and rhythmic.  The very last one, John gave me step-by-step instructions (half halt at the corner, sit up, look up) and we finally got a nice balanced jump (that was the only good jump of the lesson, forewarning).  John said to try to ride like that to each one, just keep Duke calm and quiet and balanced, "oh, I can do this out of this nice balanced rhythm".
And from there the lesson went downhill.
John also said not to pet Duke on the neck after the fence, that it pushes the reins forward, which is like what the jockeys do (and what we did with Charlie) to push him forward, and that Duke is listening, so just tell him he's a good boy, but I don't need to make a giant production out of it.
Which is not quite how he said it, but how I heard it, and started me getting myself worked up.  Because for years, he has been telling me to "pat the horse" because I don't praise enough and I am trying to do better with Duke than I did with all the horses that came before.
So then we switched directions and jumped this little brick wall but heading towards the cross country and on the right lead.  And Duke would drift left, land, put his head down, and then careen around the corner on just his right legs.  And I got madder and madder and madder, and would just halt on the far side and sit there, and eventually Duke got frustrated and started throwing his head up in the air, and then John told me to just halt.
And he got on and rode Duke.  He did a lot of exaggerated bending to the inside or outside, giving a lot with the "outside" rein so that Duke could bend.  Then he did some halts where he asked Duke to take the bit - which seemed to be hard for Duke to grasp.  He'd try to back up, or would kind of jiggle his front knees.
John said the difference between us was that he stayed calm, while I get wound up.  And that when I yell, Duke thinks it's at him and gets upset.  Which goes back to what John told me last lesson, that Duke is a horse who likes to live life on the edge, and my #1 purpose is going to be keeping him calm and letting him know it's ok.
John also did a little lengthening in the canter.  When he got off, he said that Duke gets stuck, and you just have to move a piece of him - so make him do haunches in or haunches out if he won't bend his neck, and once you get a piece unstuck, you can go back to what you were trying to get to bend.
He also said that his back isn't strong enough, and that's why his canter feels a bit odd - it has a hiccup on beat 3.
So then we did some work on the flat, doing haunches in, then bending his neck, then letting his haunches drift a little bit back to normal, then both legs on and hands give a bit to let him go forward.  We did the same damn fences again - the gate and then the brick wall, and eventually John got a rail and put it to try to keep Duke from drifting left, but he just jumped the angled pole and the fence.
John said it is better to do a 10 meter circle (or something like a 10 meter circle) after the fence if he has jumped it stiff and pulling, than to halt, because Duke wants to halt and its a reward.  And he said absolutely not to pull and let him invert, that he'll develop some terrible habits.  And that's part of where I was crying in what ended up being just an hour of me crying.
John said it's partly Duke being an asshole and ignoring the aid, but part of that is him not being sure he can balance, and just helping him realize that yes he can balance both directions, by bending to the inside and bending to the outside and just getting him unstuck when he gets nervous and just locks himself into a plank.  John says because he's so short front to back, he can plank himself up pretty well.  I told him he switches which side is stuck from day to day and John laughed and said Duke was clever or something like that.
I told him I'm not intuitive, and I can't figure out how to ride Duke, that I am working my way through everything he's taught me, and it isn't working.  And he said I'm not even trying, I'm just getting frustrated and mad and giving up.
I also told him that at home he can jump one fence at a time, but he can't string them together, and so I have just been circling between fences to calm him down, because I can't find anything else that works, and John said that is what you do for a young horse, and said his ride before he left for Rebecca, his horse just could not get the idea of this 4 stride line, and he had to circle in between the two fences 16 different times before his horse caught on and just went down the line like he was supposed to.
He also said I can bring him down there, but I have to come and ride at exactly the same time every day because he can't rearrange his schedule every day.
He also said that every time he sees Duke, he looks better, and that he is quite athletic and willing and something else nice that my brain wouldn't listen to because it was busy being upset.
I was mad because Duke is sweet, but I want Charlie.  Duke is 6, he is an ex-racehorse, and I don't know how to ride either of those things.
To be realistic, this is my fourth lesson with John, and I've had Duke less than two months and I was gone a week of that.  Poor Duke is also on massive calories to gain weight, and had to move cross country to a human who doesn't ride anything like his prior owner did - who was a freaking professional.  He is a sweet horse, who is going to be great, if I learn how to ride him and don't ruin him.
But this was my last jump lesson before the next show, and I don't have enough time with John to feel comfortable.  I don't have any self-confidence about anything anymore.
John also said not to worry about a saddle unless his back hurts or he starts moving funny.  I said he swished his tail when I groomed him and John said he's moving better than when he first got here.  He said that at 6, and underweight, his body is going to change so much that I'd just have to buy another saddle a year from now.  He said his horses all did fine in 6-8 saddles, even back when he did real three days and they would get skinny during the season from being so fit.
I just; I got so frustrated, and then I missed Charlie so much, and then I started crying, and then I was crying because I was crying and then I was done for.  I was a horrible student, and I was crying because I'm a pain in the ass student who just wasted an hour of my time and an hour of John's time and used up even more of my good credits that I built up over the last five years.

My first show with Duke

We did two Beginner Novice derbies at the CVPC at Caber Farm.
Day 1 Duke did great in dressage, show jumping was a bit ugly, and cross country was pretty great.  We had a hard time making the turns in show jumping (even though they were pretty spacious and he is pretty lean and quick), and I had to really reef on his face a few times.  But then for cross country, where I had a lot more space in between the fences, he came back nicely, except for the ditch/table/run towards home; that one took a little longer than I would like, although we still had plenty of time.  Just like John said, we had one skid out making a hard right hand turn, but he recovered and was just a little pissed that he skidded out, I think.
Today, for day 2, his back was sore and tense and tight.  There wasn't a delay in dressage like yesterday, so I tried to do a lot of bendy and low long slow work in warm up, but he probably could have used a little more time.  I thought he was stiffer and above the bit (especially the first canter, on the left lead) - when we warmed up, he picked up the right lead instead of the left the first two times, which is the first time I've noticed him doing that, but then he did fine.
But our dressage score was better today, so go figure.  I actually thought it would be significantly worse, but it was 32.1 instead of 33.2 (so not that different), and put us in a tie for 2nd instead of in 8th (?).
But the other folks rode better today, so instead of ending up in 3rd, we ended upon 5th - both days we had one rail down show jumping.  Saturday's rail was the very last rail on the very last fence, despite the horribleness of the round.  Today's rail was the second fence, despite a much nicer start and much smoother round.  Again, go figure.
But today's cross country was a cake walk.  That same stretch he wanted to go fast, and he was a little spookier at the two big trakeheners you have to go between, but we were even able to wave at Meg who was jump judging.
I was very, very pleased with how much he improved from Saturday to Sunday, how good he was on Saturday, and how excellent he is with the trailer and ground manners, although today he rolled when we were finished, which was a surprise.  He ate, grazed, hung out in the trailer, ate his meals, wore fly sheets, and the only thing was putting in the bridle the third time today, he braced his teeth.  I was also pleased even though his back was sore, he worked anyway, and didn't throw any fits (but he did swish his tail when being groomed and tacked up).
I wasn't sure what to expect, and I'm very happy with how he did and how much better the second day felt, even though it was far from perfect, it felt like manageable things to deal with.
AND - bonus - John saw today's show jumping and I asked if he saw yesterday's, and he said no but he saw cross country and then he grinned.  That's pretty much how I felt about it too - although even better after today.  He said they were talking about how Duke is a bit of a better fit for me, and he thinks it's because he automatically goes forward.  I agree with that too, although I think it's also how short he is front to back makes him easier to balance on, especially over fences.
I feel very lucky with those excellent ground manners and bit of a goofy personality at the trailer.  He's a delight to hang out with all day.  And a grin from John - well, hot damn.

First dressage lesson with John

John squeezed us in around Pony Club tonight, because the CVPC derby is this weekend.
We worked on big 20 meter circles around John where I'd open my inside hand way to the inside, then use outside hand to hold him on the circle, and then push him out (around my leg) with my inside leg.  The trick - which took a while for John to figure out what I was doing wrong - is to keep my inside leg up at the girth.  Little Dukela is so short in his barrel, that if I move my leg just a little behind the girth, he interprets it as an aid to push his hindquarters out.  So he's obedient, not unbalanced, because poor sweet Charlie learned to just ignore my leg which flapped all over the place, and I don't want Little Dukela to learn that same lesson.
John said to the right (clockwise) is a little harder because not only is Duke stiff to the right, but he also - I forget exactly the words John used - clenches his jaw that way.  So I had to do squeeze and release and move the bit around too, to help him soften his jaw.
At the canter, with the inside hand open wide (which meant moving my hand up four inches on the reins and pushing my hands way in front of me, but then bending my elbow to open it up), if Duke went faster, it meant I wasn't doing the exercise right.  Which was kind of nice, to have an immediate obvious aid I was doing it wrong.
So we did this both directions, and for a few minutes, I got him bent around my leg from the ribs, and then he got so balanced and soft in his mouth and we just went happily around on the circle for a while.  It was nice.  He's a good boy.
Duke started a little excited, with his head straight up in the air, but he settled down quickly.  It was good practice for a show, because Anna and Brooke and their students were around, as well as the farrier.
We "meandered" (per John's instructions from last lesson) around the cross country field afterwards, and he looked very, very intently at any horse off in the distance, and had a couple spooks, but otherwise was good.
John said that spidering your fingers up the reins is a bad habit, and at the end I asked him why.  Not only does it take "fucking forever to watch" (and do!), but the act of moving them is a soften/take up/soften/take up and a naughty horse will learn to grab the bit during the soften.  John showed me by holding the reins so I could feel it.  I thought that moving my hand over to grab them was worse, but it helped to feel it with him holding.  You can also grab the "tail" and not have to reach over.
John said to work on bending him to the inside this week and not moving my leg back behind the girth for any aids.

Duke's first cross country (with me and John)

Next weekend is the Chehalis Valley Pony Club derby at Caber, so we had a cross country lesson today.  John had us warm up (solo) and then meet him in the field.  He watched us do just a little bit of trot and canter, and then started over a little coop.  Duke sailed right over it.  And by sailed, I mean as if a wind caught him and blew him gustily on the far side.
So next we curved just inside a prelim log and made a right hand turn to a slightly bigger coop.  Sailed again.  John said for that one, he wanted to see if Duke would use the opportunity to run out to the left, and he was pleased that he did not.
So then we went to the bank side and did a log.  Fine.  Then a small table.  Fine.  Then the log to the small table.  Wooo, the wind picked up!  But that was partly because Duke likes to land on the right lead, and I was trying to bend him (in a big arc) around on the wrong lead.  We did it again and I did a change of lead through the trot, and it made a huge difference.
John said that he liked that I lined Duke up and then got out of the way.  I didn't try to make him chip in to the fence, but let him pick the spot.
Then we went to the back field and did a coop, around in between a tree and some shrubs, a tiny bench, around to another tiny bench.  Duke zig zagged approaching the tree and shrubs, but it tightened him up for the tiny bench.  John said I was using a lot of hand on the way to the final fence, but that it was ok because we had a nice even rhythm to the canter.
So then we ended cantering over the novice ditch, which Duke hardly looked at.
He gets increasingly wound up as the fences connect, but he comes back well, and John really liked that although he drifts to the left, he is honest and goes over the fence.  He said he is "excited" about him, and that probably later in the season (EI/Spokane) we'll be ready for Novice; maybe even for Caber.
Katy came out and left, and he got hoppity after that, and John said I'll need to hang loose and be the opposite of how I was with Charlie.  I need to let him know it's cool, he can settle down and chill.
He also said that the long format at Spokane isn't the best choice for what he needs right now; as a tb, he's bred to go fast, and could probably cruise at 500 mpm no problem.  So he doesn't need the conditioning or steeplechase work, he needs to learn to settle down between fences.  Similarly, I can't pull him in too tight a turn, because he'll just bend down and tear through it, unlike Charlie, who would slow down.
He said he'll probably be the type of horse who wants to gun for him, once he knows the route, so I'll need to meander and circle and reward him when he takes a breath and chews and let him know it's ok, he can relax.
Then we talked about his balance in the canter.  John said he's kind of tense, so he might just need some time to relax.  He has a horse that takes 55 minutes.  John said Duke seems to him like the kind of horse who is comfortable on the edge.  But he said to also try bending to the outside, and then bending him back in.
I also told him about Kelly asking who was giving my lessons and saying I basically looked like an entirely different rider than I did five years ago. It was really nice, and a big compliment to John's teaching.