I'm a sore loser

John warmed us up for dressage and we had what I thought was Duke's best dressage test so far.  I'm not sure it was his worst score, but it was pretty close.  I think he might have gotten a better score the time he bolted into the arena.  He did have two blips - he thought about trotting in the medium walk (but didn't) and his halt was al little crooked - not his fault, something about the way I ride makes him (and Charlie) swing their haunches to the left.  The rest of it he was steady, calm, and obedient.  He did his free walk as slooowww as he could possibly go, but he stretched down to the bit and kept going, just slowly.
So, ok, fine, I can live with that.  He's a thoroughbred, not a flashy mover.  And I'm not that great at dressage.
In warm up, I felt like we were on the edge of a break through - something about the inside leg and outside hand and holding it steady, but then my brain got all panicked about the show and it slithered away.  But hopefully the next dressage lesson it will come back and hit me.
Cross country was fun.  We warmed up, he was jumping perfect, so we walked again (again, with John's help), then a rider to go we went over the table again and it was just crap.  So we had to do it three times before it was slightly less crap.  John said not to hang onto his face, so I tried not to, but then he got all strung out - there were a few fences where I felt us coming in at the wrong distance, and it took me maybe three of them to remember what John said and then do it (sort of successfully) but that meant the last two fences were fine.  At least they felt fine to me.  Some of the ones that felt fine possibly weren't, like Christa said we left a stride out at the trakehner.  I would not have thought that at all.
Our up bank/down bank was crap, but he kind of lurched up (the too long and flat thing), then had one stride to get down, and I had slipped the reins to keep from grabbing him in the face in the lurch up, so he had to steer himself off, and bless his little heart, he did it.
John said that he's kind of an asshole about day to day stuff, but when the chips are down, he comes through.
Except for at show jumping.  Like every fucking lesson we've ever had, he warmed up like a fucking rock star.  And so we walked, and then did a couple more fences and they were crap.  (Theme). And so I went in to ride and I thought I was riding exactly the same way I ride in lessons or at home, but instead we got three fucking rails.
We hit the top of the wall on fence 4, which apparently no one else in the history of the show hit.  John said that was not enough outside rein.  It was a right hand turn, so it needed left rein to keep his left (drifting) shoulder in line, so, ok, maybe.  We made it on the bending line through the one stride, but then the ridiculously easy vertical got clobbered.  Brooke said we came in too close.  But there's nothing I could fucking do about that - I made the turn big and wide and gave him plenty of space.  It was - however - also a right hand turn that needed left hand outside rein.  Then when we made the LEFT hand turn to the two stride combo, he just utterly and completely failed to take off at the first fence, had to spring straight into the air to get over it (which, of course, he did, because why would he risk a rail) but then the striding was all fucked up for the two stride, so on the way out, he hit the fence.  So that one, ok, I get why he hit the second fence, but why didn't he jump the first fence?  I gave him a long approach, it was one he's jumped before, ...
I don't know if we need to go back down to Novice instead of up to Prelim.  It was just embarrassing and it reflects poorly on John and it pisses me off because I don't know what I'm doing wrong to work on it and fix it and get better and improve.
I didn't even want to write this, but I'm hoping that someday a few years from now I look back and remember "oh yeah, ha ha, I didn't know anything then and look how much better I am now."