11 days

I was getting all reflective about riding this morning on my drive in, because I'm getting really cranky without riding, and it's only been 11 days. When the vet said 3 days of stall rest and then 3 weeks off, I thought "well that's awesome, I'll go ahead and reactivate my gym membership and get at least 25 things done on my to do list with all that extra time" but instead I've mostly just been working.
And so I was thinking that without riding, my soul kind of shrivels up. Riding is the thing that nourishes me. It's more like water. I need it almost every day or else I start to fold in on myself and get sharp edges.
I was thinking about why - I spend so much time complaining and not being where I want to be, but the second that it's gone, I'm lost.
What's interesting about the conundrum is that it's the sport that - maybe - gives you the least control. If you want to run faster or longer, you train to run faster or longer. You might have a race when the pavement is wet, or you might trip, but it's really just you. Surfing is maybe closer - you can't control the waves and they each vary, but you and your board never change. Rock climbing is all you - but then you have the complexity of your climbing partner on the other end of the rope for all the time when you're not actually on the rock. For a rigid, inflexible, control-freak, perfectionist like myself, I think it's odd that I'd choose to spend all my time and money and apparently my 30s when I could be settling down, doing something that infuriates me because I can't control it - because Willig (or any horse) is his own self and responds in his own way, and requires constant adjustments and feelings.
But that's what all relationships are. Exasperation and frustration and guilt and effort and lots and lots of patience for the reward. You just can't TALK to Willig about it.
And this is why it was so hard for me to come back from the fall (well, the two in a row). It's a delicate balance for me as is. I need it, but I'm afraid of it because it's so contrary to my personality. It's the recognition that I'm not always 100% in control; that Willig, of all the horses I've had, is the most unpredictable. I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in each day (although, knock on leather, he's been more consistent and reliable before the break). And that - of all things - is what is hardest for me.
So it's a good life lesson. I have to learn to roll with it. It's just that rolling scares me. What if I start rolling and can't stop?