A 3/4 empty glass; or 1/4 full

Today's lesson was a big slice of humble pie. I struggled at the start with getting Charlie moving forward off my leg, and then gradually, everything else slowly fell apart. My right hand was pulling back, my left hand was twisting, my right heel was scrunching up and digging into his side, my left leg wouldn't stop twitching, and it just went on and on - it was like I couldn't think of more than one part of my body at a time, and the parts that were habits couldn't remember what to do without my brain actively focusing on them. Shannon's message was: one squeeze. If Charlie blows me off, he gets a tap with the whip. If he blows that off, he gets a belt. Then when he moves forward, he gets a pat. So the big obstacles seemed to be my right hand pulling - it never really gives, so Charlie gets tense and stiff on his right side. So I need to think about making sure that it softens when Charlie softens to it. And then my left hand (mostly, but my right hand too), keeping my fingers closed. Every single time my brain stops focusing on them for a second, blammo, they open up again. Keeping my hands steady and even. Push Charlie forward and then softly stop with my hands. And nice forward into the transitions - don't have that moment of "hanging" that I tend to do. And legs long - no heels in Charlie's side. Now, here's the slightly more sophisticated version from last year. My heels don't need to be in Charlie's side when I get him light and responsive off my leg aids. So the real trick right now seems to be me learning how to do that. I suspect that I have bumbled my way through 1st level, and that if I went and looked at the training pyramid, I would realize that I never did the ground level foundation, and that's why 2nd level is like hitting a wall going full speed. I think that what I need is to go back and learn how to get him light and responsive off my leg - get better control over all four of the basics (right & left hand & leg) - and then 2nd level will just flow. After that excruciating start, we did some shoulder-in and haunches-in, and once again, it was pretty much like I'd never even been on a horse before. Shoulder-in steps are: 1) perfectly straight; 2) moving forward with impulsion and on the bit; 3) then inside leg on; 4) then hands move TOGETHER to the inside, like making a circle; 5) then outside leg keeps him from moving his shoulders back to the rail. Legs on shoulder-in are kind of like the canter aid, but with hands moving together on his neck to the inside. Haunches-in is more natural for me. And turn on the haunches is haunches in, and then turn towards the haunches - so sort of like he's making a C and his nose is going to touch his haunches - turning towards the haunches. After we did that, Charlie got much more responsive and light - just like the last lesson, although I am so behind the 8 ball at this point that I have no idea what I was doing or why it made him responsive - I was just glad to feel it. I have to say - if I'm barely firing on 1 cylinder, I am grateful to all those horses in my life who have put up with my lousy riding up until this point. And to trainers who have had to stand there and watch me suffer through a lesson. The positive side is if I've enjoyed riding this much on not even 1 cylinder, man, I'm going to love it when I really learn how to ride. It's going to be spectacular. And it's got to be pretty much just improvement from here. It doesn't feel like I could go much lower and even sit on a horse at this point.