I'm a sore loser, but I like learning lessons

I rode like crap yesterday during our dressage test at Caber.  I was pissy most of the day - although trying hard not to be - because I couldn't figure out what went wrong.  I get it that I make all kinds of mistakes, and I am still blissfully ignorant of most of them, but usually, when I flop terribly, I have an idea why.  Yesterday was a total blank, and because it was such a big jump from our status quo so far, I wanted it to be blindingly obvious why.
The day started at 4:30 am, which contributed to the pissiness, but not the flop.  On the way there, through a random bit of conversation, I realized I learned the wrong dressage test.  Ok, not the end of the world, although I also forgot my USEA book, because I had ridden it once before.  I could remember the first three movements, but that was it.  So I wandered around the show grounds until I found a rider nice enough to let me borrow her book.  I refreshed my memory of the test, and then ran it through my head several times - but I had trouble focusing on the movements the way I had been doing on the other test.  Then - lo and behold, Shannon and I both read the schedule wrong, and realized we were there all day, not just half a day.  So then I tried to get through to work, feeling like a total ass, because I had promised them I'd be in towards the end of the day.  Caber barely gets a cell signal, so I was on top of Shannon's truck trying to get an email to send to them because I couldn't get the call to go through.
And then it was time to ride.  And I just couldn't focus.
The test wasn't that bad overall - it was just one big flub of a mistake really that ruined us.  I picked up the incorrect lead on the first canter, and then did a perfect counter canter the entire next three movements.  It really was a divine counter canter - perfectly balanced.  I had no idea we were on the wrong lead.  It was not an A+ test on the other movements, but I felt pretty good about it because I could feel the little issues and could work on fixing them during the test, which is huge progress from last year.
But that wrong lead tanked me.
Then today I started having trouble focusing again.  I thought today was going to feel like a cake walk because now that I was very very close to the bottom of the pack, all the pressure was off not making a mistake.  Who cares if you make a mistake if you're already losing?
But no, I couldn't focus again, and we even had a run out over the tiny log in the warm up.
And that's when the light bulb went off and it all became worth it.  I was trying to figure out what was the difference between the derby a couple weeks ago and this show.  I have Shannon with me, so I should be doing even better, but instead, I'm riding much worse.  And then something Shannon said yesterday finally became clear - it's all the people.  The derby was relatively low key and I was alone most of the time.  The recognized show is intense - we had people almost run into us - like a couple inches away - twice in the warm up.
And let's say I have 5 units of concentration - at the recognized show I spend about 3 of them - maybe 4 - watching the other riders and stuff going on, even if I'm trying to just ride and listen to Shannon.  Shannon's voice gets through, but it's like I can't get all cylinders firing.
So I wanted to try two things - one is focus on just three things to think about when I'm competing.  Today it was "heels down, turn from the outside rein, and ride like stink".  I think my heels did ok (you can see on video), we did better than if I hadn't been thinking about turning from the outside rein, and I took "stink" to mean super fast, which was not quite what Shannon meant, but was really fun.
And the other thing I want to try is when I feel overwhelmed, Shannon said first just let her know and we can walk until there's a break, and then we'll warm up in the breaks - those weird moments where there's only a few other riders in, and just walk when it's 10-15 of them.
Of course, what I want is now that I identified what is maybe the problem, for the whole thing to just instantly be solved.
Oh, and three - I'm going to take a few moments before each ride and channel the same energy I use when I'm in court and use that in the arena.  It's bravado, I think, and I fake it in court even when I don't feel it.
I'm really disappointed in myself, but it will have been totally worth it if we made another step forward in me actually learning how to ride.
And plus, Charlie loves cross country.  It is so awesome how he perks up and just loves doing it.  He's so amazing.