Jumping in front of an audience

John had a full house tonight, and so we ended up with an audience for my lesson.
John started us on the flat, working Duke in a 20 meter, then 10 meter circle.  I was dragging my hand down a bit, and I had to think a couple times to put my heels down and push my legs forward and down because they were creeping up.  We got a couple of very nice up transitions.
Then we started riding over a line of poles.  The first time through was good, second time was rough - I could feel that we weren't at the right distance a couple strides out, but I didn't do anything, and so Duke kind of flailed his own way through, after that, both he and I did a little better about getting on the right distance on the way in.
From there, John turned it into a ground pole - vertical - ground pole, going to the left (so landing on the left lead).  Except we never once landed on the left lead, which was ok the first couple of times, but then just got embarrassing.  I would look to the left, put my right leg on, put my right leg on further back, squeeze my left hand - nothing.  We just consistently landed on the right lead.  The good news is it only takes about 1/4 of the arena - oh, god, written down that doesn't look like good news - to trot and transition to the left lead.
Then we did the same vertical (well, he lowered it then raised it again) going to the right, and Duke had no problem whatsoever landing on the right lead.
From there we went into the grid, which was a ground pole, chute, cross rail, ground pole, vertical, oxer.  I think the oxer ended around 3'10" which felt huge to me today, so I had to work really hard on looking at it then past it and taking a deep breath on the way in.  I got nervous about everyone watching.
The first time in, I didn't put any extra leg on, and poor Duke sort of flopped through like a limp fish.  John said to help him, so the next time I did al little squeeze at the vertical, then a decent squeeze at the oxer - one more time through with leg aids, and then he caught on, and then I didn't have to do it anymore.
The art to this seems to be balancing him far enough out that I don't mess with him on the final approach.  While we were doing the vertical, John told me to relax my hands, and it made a huge difference.  So I'd steer from the outside leg to get the right line, then a couple strides out, relax both hands, and that seemed to help Duke make the jump smooth and consistent.
I still couldn't land on the &*#(&*(# left lead to save my life, but the right lead was no problem.
I felt like my position was a little better - John said to make sure I don't throw the reins forward when he tells me to give - but we still had a hard time making the turn on the far end after the oxer.  I felt like I was sitting up a little more, but we would still - despite having tons of space - careen around the corner, and I'd use the wall to make that turn.  John said to bend a little to the outside and to use the outside rein to turn him and half halt.  Eventually, he made me get on a 10 meter circle and bend him to the outside and then give the inside rein and steer only with the outside, so that I could feel that I could do it and Duke would respond.
This is obviously going to continue to need work (and I need to ask John what exercise on the flat would replicate it) for the more technical turns and distances in the shows, but I was also thinking how much improved Duke is from when he got here in June and we kind of just shot off on the far side of the fences and especially from that first show, where I pulled him around by his face the whole time.  I could sort of get it, a little bit, sometimes ...
This week was another shitty one at work, to the point where some part of each hour of the day I think surely there is something else I could do with my life that would be more rewarding and fulfilling, and so having a successful lesson restored a tiny bit of my waning self-confidence.  I might not ever be a great rider, but I keep learning from John, and the more effort I put in, the more I improve.  It's like the opposite of practicing law.