Rebecca wrap up, "capable but anxious"

I should be happy with how Duke did at Rebecca, but I'm not, and I'm really struggling with why not.
He was 3rd to last after dressage, with a 39.8.  (First was a 26.9, so it wasn't like we were even close.)
however, it was absolutely amazing we even got through the test, because the first two days on the show grounds, he was completely overwhelmed.  I didn't ride him the first day (although with hind sight, I should have).
Let me back up.  Sunday I had to be in Eugene.  I spent six hours (instead of three) driving home, gave him the world's fastest bath, and showed up at Meg's in Ellensburg close to 11 pm.  Monday morning I got up early (before 5 am) and drove to Kalispell.  This would have been genius, had I known about the construction, which took almost an extra two hours in the cooking hot sun (over 90 degrees).
So that's why I didn't ride Monday.  I just felt bad that he rode in the trailer and just cooked all day.
So when I got on Tuesday, he'd had two days off, which is very unusual for us.
And although things were only just getting started, he was overwhelmed and tense and scared and nervous.
So John told me to ride him twice a day, but only briefly.
Well, on our second ride, I ran into Jessica who told me about the cows out on Phase A of roads and tracks, so the next day I wanted to walk past them on one of our rides, and that blew his mind as well.  All I could think about was how we were going to get eliminated on Phase A because we couldn't trot past some cows.
We went and practiced the jog on the track - I thought he'd be scared of the big white tent, but he didn't care about it at all.
So instead of working a few hours every day, I spent that extra few hours riding him a second time and walking him around and trying to get him used to the show grounds and atmosphere.
He was fine for jog 1, even though a few horses ahead of us, a horse got loose and ran away (and Brooke said ran into another horse, which then didn't pass inspection).
We got to do the steeplechase practice that afternoon, which was awesome.  He took off like he was shot out of a cannon and just got faster and faster and was SO EASY to ride over the fences (we got to do the first one, then the first and second one).  We walked back on Phase C of roads and tracks and he was ho-hum about the cows.
For dressage, John helped us a lot with warm up, and watched the test, which I thought was pretty ok, although his face said "meh" and our score was meh.  Given that I didn't think he'd be able to halt or even remotely be obedient, I was just glad we didn't eliminate. Until we got the score and saw our place, and then I was pissed we didn't do better.
Allison and Andrea suggested he might have ulcers - at least stress ulcers - and suggested I try omeprazolone (to take the edge off) and maybe give him one of the two months (?) of treatment, just in case.  That would make sense, with him being girthy, although I thought it was just the badly fitting saddles.  So I got him some ulcerguard and some nerve cookies, and I'm going to up his smartpak to put more gut health supplements in and see if that helps him.  It's not fair to him unless I give him every opportunity to do his best.
For cross country, Duke was a little nervous about Phase A (he trotted with his head straight up, looking for something to spook at), but once we started steeplechase, he was like "oh, ok, fun" and we shot around the steeplechase.  The time said 1:01, but I think it was 2:01 (instead of 2:29).  It was FAST.
He settled a bit in Phase C, and although he was pretty sweaty after steeplechase, the trotting was obviously less work and we cruised into the 10 minute box* almost dry.  And his temp was only 101. Brooke's crew went to town on him, and I just stood around.  So he did great in the 10 minute box.
He was kind of difficult on cross country.  After steeplechase, he just wanted to grab the bit and go, and the course was a little more technical than our other training courses, so it was kind of a jerky ride.  I had to battle with him the first three fences to listen, and then he screeched to a halt at the big hill and then again at the weird water.  Thankfully, neither of those were flagged, and after the two screeching halts, he started listening a little better.
I felt like we got the most technical moves done only by the skin of our teeth - the big table on a bending line to the corner (fences 9/10) and the coffin followed by a hard left to the bears (13 a/b/c?). He had no problem making up the time from the screeching halts and the slow down for the technical parts on the wide open parts, and he jumped every fence like a dream boat.  Brooke's mom said they were watching and he took off long, but I thought he was great.
When we got finished, his temp was only 102, so he didn't have to do a third check.  Also, the vet was a hottie.
For show jumping, I did not go out way ahead of time, and he was just a little stiff.  He got loosened up, and jumped the cross rail twice and the vertical once close to perfect, so I planned to walk five minutes, then do the vertical and oxer a couple times before we went in.
And then the fucking water truck came into the arena next to us and watered the entire rest of our warm up time.  Because the water truck was giving him conniption fits the first three days, I stayed on the far side of the arena, just walking, just trying to keep him calm, and maybe that was a mistake, but I didn't have enough time to try to get near it, have him freak out, and then calm him down again. So we didn't get to jump again, just walk for 10 minutes, and when we went in to do the test, he clobbered the first rail, fourth rail, and seven a and c.  Four fucking rails, out of 12.  It was humiliating.
Brooke said he was long and flat, and I don't know if that was from the big long walk or if he was flat before.  He was smooth, consistent, and obedient; he just doesn't give a shit if he hits a rail.  I don't know if he would have perked up if we'd done the warm up oxer a few times, or if I would have even noticed he was flat.  So this part was really really really disappointing.  The only silver lining is we were already in 13th place, so it wasn't like we had a ribbon and then lost it.
He ended in 12/25, but if we hadn't gotten four rails ...
He did a lot of things very well, and it was better than the last time I was there (eliminated in steeplechase) and better than Whidbey (eliminated in dressage) and I felt like I was the least prepared I'd ever been for a show, and I wanted to scratch because I was so unprepared, so I don't know why I'm so mad about how we did.  He did a good job.  I just wanted to do better.
And more than that, I guess I don't know what I did wrong and what we could have done better.  I think he did the best he could.
One of the judge's comments was that we were 'capable but anxious' which is so accurate about me it kind of gives me the heebie jeebies.
After show jumping, I finally went and talked to Devocoux.  I rode in two demo saddles, which seemed to fit both Duke and I perfectly (poor guy got ridden two more times, I swear he has the patience of a saint), and my Jete went to Schleese on consignment.  I started crying, because it was custom made for Charlie, and then couldn't stop.
I hope that saddles that actually fit him will help us push through this phase and gear up for the next.  I think he is a sweet, generous horse who is trying hard, but is saddled (har har) with idiot me.  And the only cure for idiot me is more time with John.

10 minute box details:
Duct tape, halter with number, extra shoes (and studs), two buckets, two sponges, two scrapers, mounting block, human water
Set up 1 hour ahead
Come in, they want to see him trotting to make sure not lame
Put halter on over bridle, loosen bridle and girth
Get temp, resp, pulse
102-103 is hot - sponges and scrape multiple times
Look for cuts and scrapes
At 6 minutes, vet will ask to trot in lane
At 5 minutes, tighten girth and bridle back up
At 4 minutes, get back on and start walking over to start box

At finish, he'll be checked when he comes in
Take tack off
Check again at 10 minutes (Duke didn't need)
Be careful with studs if you take boots off
Put in stall, let him pee and drink and have some down time to himself