Riding for Simpletons

That's basically the book I need.  Are you a nimrod with no common sense who doesn't think for herself?  Then this book is for you!
Seriously - today John had me jump the same oxer on a line to the vertical that we did on Friday, and then asked me why I jumped the oxer fine but was off for the vertical, and I was all "dunno", and he was like "Which leg did you use for the oxer?"  - Answer - right leg, because it was the outside leg (we turned left to get to it).  Then I was turning right after the vertical so which leg should I have used?  Answer - left leg - because the outside switched.  Guess which leg I was using?  Correct!  The right leg.  Because he told me to use it on the first fence, so I just kept using it.  Seriously - I want to hit myself.  And it never, ever would have crossed my mind if he hadn't asked me.
He said I have to start thinking about that, keeping Charlie between my legs and that means thinking about where I'm going and which leg I need to use.
Charlie was an absolute trooper.  After hauling down there Friday, then Saturday PC and Major Beale, then Sunday a long PC and Major Beale day, then I pulled him off the grass and hauled him down again, to work HARD.  He didn't seem stiff or sore or mad about working either.
Mostly I just asked John to answer all the questions I had with Major Beale.  John mostly agreed, although he characterized things in a different way, creating a new realization, which is that I trust John and am comfortable asking him dumb questions.  Like "why am I so dumb and not getting this?"
Which is actually a good question.  Because am I dumb and not getting it?  Have I been working on the same thing for the last three years?  There's an easy way to find out - read back in my own blog.  This one.
On the other hand, are my expectations wrong?  John pointed out he rarely gives me dressage lessons (in fact, he has given me exactly two I think), and so why in the world would I think I would know it perfectly?
He also said Charlie isn't a pulling horse, he's a lazy horse, so I have to use a lot of leg.  On a pulling horse, I'd have to use a lot of arm.
I asked him whether I shouldn't go to EI, whether I was a Triangle and didn't know it, why wasn't I getting it, and whether he hated teaching me because I was his dumbest, slowest student.  He said I might lose at EI and so what?  And I said worse, I might fall off, and he asked whether I had come anywhere close to falling off the last two lessons (no) so why would I even think that?
So the dumb common sense thing I hope gets corrected by Pony Club, because the learning the "why" behind the reasons (today John asked me why I kept the noseband so loose and I said "because Shannon told me to" and he said "what is it for?" and I was all "dunno.  To hold his mouth shut?" and thinking to myself "read the chapter on bridle fit, dummy"), and the thinking through the ride and explaining it - I think those two things will hopefully help me get off my reliance on other people kick.
Which was John's final takeaway - I said "yes, this is all well and good that I can ride when you are telling me at each step what to do, but I can't do it by myself" and John said that was the problem.  I have to figure it out for myself.  I have to pause, think back to my lesson, and then do the pieces one at a time by myself.  He said the most important thing is to GO.  Then after that, to half halt on the outside, but use my go aid.  Then to bend to the inside but know that he's going to bulge out to the outside, so use my outside half halt and go aid.  And just to think it through and put them together one at a time by myself.
It was interesting how he did say the same things as Major Beale, but in a different way, and it was easier for me to understand, and easier for me to think "ok, I can break it down in these steps and do this by myself" whereas with Major Beale, it just feels like magic that Charlie is doing amazing things with me on him, and then I am totally at a loss how to replicate it by myself.
So when I get up the nerve, I will look back at my blog entries and see if I am a moron and still working on the same old things.  I don't think I am, because two years ago I couldn't sit the trot, my main lesson was to keep my heels down, and to stop my hands from pulling back.  Now it is turning him from the outside so he doesn't bulge through the outside shoulder.
But it is still so, so hard to get the lift instead of the speed.  I don't know if that is core or hands that stops it.
Anyway, our lesson was to warm up on the circle, and then working on that same thing, where Charlie bends to the inside (sometimes first to the outside, then holding the connection to the outside, change his bend to the inside), then I use one leg at a time then both legs together to get him poofing up.  It is a lot of outside half halts, bend, and one leg or the other then both legs.  I am going to really buckle down and work on it.  John said that my leg was pretty sloppy when I got back from Belize, but that my jump lesson last Friday was pretty good and he was surprised because he hadn't seen me in a while and he thought I'd just puke around.  So there's that.
So we just jumped the two lines a few times, but mostly we worked on the circles trying to get Charlie round.  John showed me with his hands how hard it is to get Charlie to flex to the right (but he's stiff to the left on a circle) and how I have to get him to FLEX and then I release.  And he also showed me how the aids vary, a steady push, vs. a tap tap tap, vs. a tap tap tap down low and up high (the crop), and then just a spastic tapping with both, which is too much and Charlie tunes it out.  John thinks I get frustrated and just tap both at random and it doesn't make any sense to Charlie.  He said to make it as simple and clear as possible (hence the simpleton).
Also, the noseband is to keep his jaw from opening.  Since I don't jerk on Charlie's mouth, I can tighten it up a lot.  Shannon rode with it on 1, I ride with it on 2, and he put it on like 5!
As always, it was a tremendously helpful lesson.  I would just about give my right arm to be able to ride with John every day, but I guess then I wouldn't learn to do it myself.

Brutal ride with Major Beale

I can't tell if I'm the worst rider in the world or the dumbest rider, or some combination of the two.  I cried the whole way back to the barn from frustration with myself, and then I tried to convince myself it is just because I've never ridden 2nd level (and neither has Charlie) so we both are at the point where it stopped being easy and now we'll have to really work at it.  Then I convinced myself that was a way to stroke my ego and instead I should face the cold hard truth that I'm just not that good of a rider - I'm a Triangle - and poor Charlie has been toting me this whole time.
I can't tell.  I have no idea.
I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall, and I'm not even sure it's the right brick wall, and I have absolutely no clue whether I beat it long enough if I will start to wear a hole in it and break through to the next level, or if I'm just giving myself a concussion.  How do you tell that?  How do you tell when you've gone as far as your particular talent is going to take you vs. working hard to improve?  And how do you tell what to work on if you've never been there before and have no idea where you're going?
What I heard Major Beale say was that where we ended today was better than where we started yesterday (agreed, something that happens with each ride with him) but he also said we had "regressed" since October.  That throws me into a frenzy.  Am I so bad I can't tell that?  Because I thought we were riding much better than in October.  And if I can't tell that, what else can't I tell?  The whole thing seems hopeless if I've gotten worse when I thought I was getting better.
Kevin came and videoed, and what I did not hear was the "good"s, which also makes me crazy.  I need to know what is good, what is bad, and how to improve what is bad.
We did essentially the same thing as yesterday, the 20 meter circle to a 12 meter circle, haunches to the outside, leg yield out to the 20 meter circle, then lengthen the trot or canter.  Then we did some shoulder-in.
He says we both need to work harder, and Charlie doesn't need a lot of warm up but needs to be "jazzed up" because he's lazy.

Pony Club & Working Harder

Two lessons today - the first with Asia for Pony Club.  She suggested that I do more half halts.  She said Charlie has plenty of movement, but he is letting his legs go out behind him instead of coming up under him.  To do a trot to halt transition, begin thinking about it for five strides (sit up, shoulder blades together) and then stop the movement on the 5th stride.  I got several perfect halts, but then ended on a few pukey ones.  I have to think about sitting up and pinching my shoulder blades together.  Then at the canter, I bend at the waist, so I need to try to keep my waist as one solid element.  Over fences, she said it is much harder to ride an 18" fence (in theory, than a 4' fence), and to ride in and half halt multiple times on the way in.  A half halt from a two point is a very, very weird feeling.  It is essentially just tightening your core (like a corset was around it) which sounds simple but seems to throw me off balance when I'm in a two point.  I like to curve and tuck my pelvis under instead, which is the wrong thing to do.  It was a really great lesson, and I really enjoyed working with her.

Then Charlie got in the trailer and we drove to Major Beale, where the short take away is we aren't working anywhere near hard enough - either one of us.  It was pretty discouraging.  It feels like we've made so much progress in so many places, but I cannot seem to "get" how to make Charlie engage behind and have impulsion and round over his topline.  I can feel it when it's there - it feels like his shoulders are lifted and I'm sitting on a pillow, like I can do anything with him at any second; but I can't make it be there on my own.
He got a lunge whip, and stood in the center and essentially lunged Charlie with the whip to make him forward while I rode him.  Charlie needs to march at the walk.  I don't need to use my legs 100 times, but should do a whack-whack-whack or a SMACK with the whip (not a hit every step).  He needs to be connected and poised to do anything - halt, trot, or canter.  If he isn't, he isn't forward enough.
Then at the trot, we worked on circles - first 20 meter at the trot, then 12 meter at the trot (10 is too small).  There, the big issue is bending him to the inside, but not letting him bulge through the outside.  It is giving and releasing with both hands, but each reacting to Charlie, so maybe both together or maybe not.
Same as John - Major Beale had us bend to the outside, then Charlie's shoulder would come up under him, and then bend back to the inside.
Then we worked on a smaller circle, and then trot to halt transitions.  For these, he has to be round and working and then I use my leg to push him forward, then stop moving my hips for the halt.  If he isn't round, he just pukes into it.  Major Beale's preferred way to get him round was to work on a circle bent to the inside, then push his haunches to the outside, then go bigger, then halt.  It was much easier to do to the right; I could feel it, but could hardly feel it to the left.
At the canter, it was some forward back and not as much bend, and NOT the up and down carousel horse (I don't know why not).  
Charlie was his usual sweet self, working his heart out even though he's lazy (I don't get it) and had already been ridden once and late last night.  Major Beale said I have got to toughen up and expect more out of him.  He told me that he has to spend 15 minutes doing the trot circles and bending each direction for his wife's 3rd level horse, and about some guy who couldn't go cross country but Major Beale always won on his horse.  I think the point is that it's mental, but I know that, and I need to know how to get over myself.  I'm clearly the hold up and not getting it, but I'm so not getting it I'm not sure why not. 
It was a great lesson, but frustrating.  I am ready to be done with this phase and working on the next thing.  I feel like I'm trapped in beginner-land and will be stuck here forever.
MB said we should NOT be sitting because Charlie isn't coming over his topline so his back isn't round and lifted.

Jumping with John - outside on a Friday April evening!

We had divine spring weather today, so although I had to tear like a bat out of hell to get to John's by 6:15 (he wanted to start at 6), it was worth it.
We started on a 20 meter and 15 meter circle around a fence, and John worked on the same attempt to get Charlie round and forward as in our last lessons, but Charlie was like riding a hunk of wood today.  We worked for a while to the left, and when we switched and went right, he felt a little off to me.  John didn't say anything, but I want to watch that because we have a jam-packed weekend.
This was to bend him - either way, outside or inside - then to keep the contact and move him forward.  Half halt, then move forward again.  Sounds simple, but it is crazy hard to separate my legs and hands and use them independently, let alone at the right time.  When I got it right, I could feel the balance and lift in Charlie's shoulders, but it was pretty hard to do today and would have been entirely impossible on my own.
We had some really lousy down transitions from canter to trot, and I had to use the whip quite a bit.  I got really clingy with my right leg, and John had to keep telling me to put that heel down.
This is definitely where I need more help, because although I've worked on it now a few times with John, I don't think to do a lot of the movements myself, and I can't always match them with a change in Charlie's feeling right away, like on some of the easier stuff.
After that, we jumped - a couple times over a cross rail and vertical, then we did a short course which was a 5 stride angled line oxer to vertical, right hand turn, 5 stride bending line oxer to vertical, left hand turn, roll top. 
John said that I am using my rein (inside rein, mostly right one) too much to turn, instead of using outside leg and outside rein.  And Charlie was very reluctant to bend either way, like a stiff board that didn't want to go forward.  It wasn't our greatest day.
Charlie was NOT getting his leads, but he did, at least twice, correct it with only the littlest aid from me, so that was pretty cool.  Maybe his back is getting a little stronger?
We have Pony Club jump lesson tomorrow, then Major Beale, then Pony Club D2/D3 rating on Sunday morning, then Major Beale, then John again Monday night.  Then a week off.
I'm hoping he isn't lame, and it isn't my fault for the conditioning.  We are up to 6 trot/1 walk/6 canter/2 walk/2 canter (450 mpm)/2 walk/6 trot/1 walk/6 canter, and he was really huffing and puffing in the gallop work (with one fence) last week.  I think part of it is the preference for the right canter lead - he'll go around at a horrible cross firing gallop instead of just fixing it.