4' is really, really gigantic (which makes me sad)

We jumped this gigantic jump today; the biggest jump I've ever jumped.  I couldn't believe John kept making it bigger and then made it wider.  It was at the end of four poles, 9' apart.  When I measured it, I was sure it was like 4'6", maybe 4'3" if my eye was way off.
It was ONE MEASLY INCH above prelim level.  One inch.  I'm crushed.
Charlie jumped it like a freaking rock star.
I jumped it like an utter moron.  I just stood straight up in the air like Triangle and didn't even do a crest release.  John said that Charlie was rocking way back on his haunches to go over it (because of the 9' ground poles) so I didn't need a crest release the way that I do when he launches over one all flat, but it still felt like I would win a worst position award.  John also asked was I inhibiting him or catching him in the mouth, and I wasn't - I just had all this hang time to be above him, not in a two point.
I struggled with the 9' poles.  It turns out I've been coming around the corner and then barreling at the fence, and John wanted Charlie to back up, not lengthen, to have the power for the fence.  He said it teaches me I don't have to lengthen to get the power, and also lets me have that leg for when I really need it in an emergency.
We started by discussing Charlie's issue from yesterday; he didn't want to do a halt - trot transition without flinging his head up in the air.  When I tried to make him, he'd fling it higher, then run backwards.  So I whomped on him with my heels and beat him with the whip until he went forward, then we'd try again.  John said yes, he was probably just being a brat, but that the easier way to do it is halt - turn on the forehand - then trot off.  And then you can just bend towards a turn on the forehand and trot off.
We did some warm up, and John had me get in a two point with SHORT REINS and then not let them slip while we shot down the long side; then stand up a bit for the short side, then go back down the long side.  This was much harder than it sounds because I really did not want to keep my hands out in front of me.  You have to move your elbows to have hands in front with short reins.  I also got horribly out of breath (and sweaty) which pissed me off with all the bike riding I've been doing.
Then we did the ground poles, once horribly (John said I tried to ride the first one in stride instead of just letting Charlie deal with it and looking to the end).  The rest were fine.
Then he made the vertical at the end bigger and bigger.  We did just a bit of a nice trot in between.
In the ground poles, he asked me to change lead on the third pole, and while Charlie didn't do it successfully, he did try, and John said he liked that Charlie listened and tried.
John said not to think about pushing my hips back because I like to duck, but to think about pulling my shoulder blades together, to try to work on the position.
He said that at home work on keeping that feeling of contact (with short reins) all the time; because it is not just over fences, but on the flat that I am doing it too.  Last lesson I was curling my wrist, and he said the is the right feel, but wrong solution.  I just need a shorter rein.
Finally, we talked about the next horse.  He said that it will be anywhere from $20-100, and that he'd prefer to get a training level horse, ride it a year or two there to get to know it, and then go prelim.  He said he has too many students who buy a 1* and then want to immediately go 1* (so they're not "wasting" it) but it's not what's best for the horse, who has learned to communicate with his (former) rider, and then the new rider doesn't respect the signals
He said, for example, he just looked at one who was 5, could jump 4' without a rider, and then jumped 3' with a rider without getting all wound up.  That's the kind of horse he'd look for.  He also wants to look for one that if it doesn't work out, it can be sold, and I don't get stuck with it.  So I can get it, go training level, and if it's not the horse for me, sell it again and look again.  He also said he doesn't know if Charlie can do a 1*, he's never been fit enough for John to guess whether his legs can withstand the pounding for the distance and speed.
John said his primary concern with letting people go up a level is whether the horse is going to take care of itself.  He doesn't want to let people level up if the horse is just going to smash into the fence.  I like that I can trust him to tell me that.  He said also there will be times when the horse just seems tired or not into it, and then he'll say to scratch a show.  He said it's not worth it to push them at that level when they're not ready to go.
Even though my form was bad, I was impressed by how huge the jump was until I got home, measured it, and totally deflated.  He told me not to measure; he said it was prelim and not to worry about it, but I did it anyway.