EI kind of sucked

Impostor syndrome + perfectionism + destruction of confidence professionally, personally, and riding = pity party for myself

Thursday:
Get up early, drive to EI
Happily unpack and set up
Notice someone wearing shorts and think "it's hot, I should change into my shorts too"
Stand stock still in the middle of the road while vividly visualizing bag of all my clothes, toothbrush, phone charger, etc. sitting in bedroom.
Shift to Plan B.
Freeze again, while realizing that the ONE and only time I've loaned my trailer block to someone is the one and only time I want to unhook my truck and drive away.
Get very very very very angry at myself for being so stupid.
Go to the store finally.
Get back.  Half of Duke's muzzle is swollen.
Spend the next three hours trying to find a vet and figure out wtf and eventually John and Anna have to help because the vet never shows, and then 10 minutes later the vet shows.  We have treated him like it was a bee sting.  Vet thinks it is an abscess.

Friday:
Duke gets most improved on dressage.
His muzzle is still swollen on the side, and the hard knot in his lip is still the same size.  The show doesn't have a vet on the grounds until Saturday. The number they have for the vet is a wrong number.  I get pissed and make an appointment for Tuesday with my vet, even though I have a fucking two day hearing coming up and like -6 hours of free time.
Even though I didn't get to ride him Thursday because I'm a fucking idiot who didn't have any fucking breeches except for show breeches and since I can barely keep those clean long enough to get into the arena, I certainly couldn't wear them around before trying to get in the arena.
What was different?
I rode him without a whip in the test and just used my little jump crop in the warm up.
John had me ride in draw reins all week (except for Thursday, obviously).
My lesson with John focused on our weak points from the prior test.
I didn't try to overdo it in the lengthening, I tried to lengthen his frame and show a distinct difference bringing him back, but not so much that he lost his balance and then everything spiraled down.
I timed it better, so I rode him up until the rider before me, and then kept him moving until we went in.

Saturday:
Muzzle is a little bit less swollen; hard knot in his lip seems to be a little smaller.
Cross country was a little bit of a surprise; we were double clear, but we had a couple ugly jumps.
Warm up:  ho-hum, no big deal, we just jumped each of the four jumps once.
Jump 1:  open looking log and post.  No big deal.
Jump 2:  Gigantic steeplechase; jumped like a dream.
In between Jumps 2 & 3:  Duke grabs the bit and runs.  I have to use a pulley rein to slow him down before Jump 3.  I'm yelling at him and have to steer him off the trail towards a tree to get him to listen (just a step).
Jump 3:  Hobbit house.  We soar over it.
In between Jumps 3 & 4:  down hill and up hill.  The down hill slowed Duke down (like last year, it surprised me how easy it was (at least from my side of things) to balance on him, even though it was really steep).  But then he went ripping back up the hill, and I had to yell at him again that "A fence is coming up!"
Jump 4:  Wide log table.  We soar over it.
Jump 5:  Very wide chevron, with a little itty bitty downhill and uphill on the way to it.  I am still yelling at him to slow down.
Jump 6:  I give up and let him tear down the road towards 6.  It is much, much shorter than when we walked it.  I try to pull him up a little on the way because it is a big wide table.  We soar over it.
Jump 7:  I let him tear down the road again.  It is much shorter again.  I don't have to pull him up as much because this table isn't wide.  We soar over it.
Jump 8:  We go into the woods and around the corner and I just let him jump this one almost out of stride.  It is a angled ramp and has a nice sunflower runway to put you in the middle of it.  We soar over it.
Jump 9 A/B/C:  Here's where we fuck up.  I didn't start trying to slow him down soon enough after 8, and so we tear around the corner, and there's a tiny uphill to 9A, and we kind of get on the right hand side of it and he crawls over it.  Bless his heart, he didn't run out to the right, but it was hideous.  I wasn't even sure if it counted as a jump because it was more of a four-legged crawl.
Somehow, we end up going right afterwards, at a trot, but all crazy out of control, and I'm not sure I'm going to get in between the flags to go into the water at B.
But we do.
So to regroup, I just let him trot through the water to the up bank.  I don't even try to canter.
He trots the up bank just fine.
Jump 10:  This is the novice sized farm stand.  No big deal.
Jump 11 A/B/C:  Some kids get in the way in between.  A is a log, 2 strides to a ditch, 3 strides to another log.  Not the most beautiful jump ever; something is wrong with our strides in between A and B, but it is ok.
Jump 12:  Because we land and are able to turn right and take the longer, easier, better route to 12.  But there are people fucking EVERYWHERE.  I just charge through them.  (Meg and Christa said the same thing.)  This is the elk feeder.  We jump it like a dream.
Jump 13 A/B:  But that's so I can fuck up the next fence.  Ashley said jump it on the right and make a bendy line to be perpendicular to the down bank on a good stride, and so like usual, I fucking overdo it.  Again, bless Duke's little heart for not running out to the right on the roll top and getting us off the bank.  I oomph down on his back and we head down the hill.
In between Jumps 13 & 14:  I half halt at the places Ashley said to half halt.  Duke charges up the hill like he's a god damn stunt man.  Two girls have to leap off the road and crouch, with their eyes all big, as we tear past them.
Jump 14:  Wine barrels.  He does look at the BN and N wine barrels, but just a glance.  He jumps these like a dream.
Jump 15:  Alyssa's bar.  He jumps it like a dream.
Jump 16:  Another lady is in our way.  Big table.  he jumps it like a dream.
Jump 17:  corner.  I try to remember to half half like Ashley said in between, but I don't know if I really did or not.  We jump it fine.  It was a tiny angle for the corner and a big long jump, so I'm not really sure what the question was.
Jump 18:  This is the final fence, but it came up WAY faster than I expected it to, and I almost missed the turn.  It was teeny.  It was nothing.

Duke got a lot of icing, but I didn't have as much ice as I wish I did, and then Meg and I watched Intermediate and Preliminary, and then we went with Christa and saw Meg's new house in Ellensburg.  It was nice to hang out with people like I had friends, and then really sad because now that I have a friend she is moving away.

Sunday:
It took god damn forever from when I got up (5 am) to when I rode (1 pm).  And it went from chilly to hot as shit.
Muzzle is no longer swollen and the hard knot in his lip is gone.
Duke was tense in the warm up because a) there was a napkin blowing around, and b) it was truly amateur hour, and there were like 100 near collisions and so I got more and more and more tense as the four dumb fucks just kept careening around.
Ashley tried to help, but I couldn't even make a circle and I kept hoping they were below me so they would leave the arena so I could actually warm up, but only one of them did.
Duke jumped fine until we took a break.  Then he clobbered the oxer when I went to do it again before we went in.  Then some bitch got in my way so I couldn't jump it a second time, so I had to ride the vertical instead.
Then the course was a fucking disaster.
Fence 1:  a vertical with a lot of crap in front of it.  He sort of stopped, like "wtf is this, am I supposed to jump it? why are all those people looking at me?  oh, right I am supposed to jump it" and then kind of sprang over it like a deer.
Fence 2:  a brown oxer.  He over jumped it to make up for not jumping the first fence.
Fence 3 (the first RR):  fine, but we drifted way to the left.
Fence 4 (the second RR):  not fine at all, it was an oxer, I had to click and use my stick.  We got a rail.
Fence 5:  the triple bar.  Fine, except I lost my right stirrup.
Fence 6:  five strides later, fine, but I didn't have a stirrup.  I think we got a rail.
In between fence 6 & 7:  I am trying to get my stirrup back while turning left, so we overshot the turn.
Fence 7:  We had to jump it at a funny angle because of how I overshot.
Fence 8:  five strides later, because of the funny angle on 7, this one was goofy too.
Fence 9A/B:  fine.
Fence 10:  the Area VII oxer.  I totally thought this was going to be fine, then he had a hard drift left at the last second and we got a third fucking rail.

I understand the drift left, and I understand the fucked up angle into 7 & 8 because I was rooting around for my stirrup, but I don't understand what happened at 1 and how we got three god damn rails when he normally gets none, especially when the warm up was essentially ok (over fences).  He wasn't like grabbing the bit, he just seemed like he didn't have that much power and was kind of fading.
So maybe the lesson is he doesn't do so great in the heat (especially when he's kind of chubby), or maybe he was more tired than I thought from XC, except for that I couldn't feel any tired or stiffness or lack of oomph in the warm up.
That was 7 hours ago, and I'm still pissed about it.  He was in 8th place, then 7th, and then ended in 14th.  (out of 22?)
It was humiliating, like we shouldn't be there at all.  I just keep thinking that everyone watching is thinking "she should have just quit after Charlie died.  Doesn't she know he was so good he made up for the fact that she can't ride?"
I did think, though, about John telling me how important it was you like the horse, because of how you'll have to stick with him in the hard times.  Sweet Duke's little face when we got home, and how happy he was to have his apple, god bless him, he's a cute little bugger.

I was scared of the fences at Spokane, and rode them better than these.
Duke did not freak out on the flat here, but he did grab the bit and run.
So I clearly don't know him yet and we still have a lot to work out together.  I guess if we can just keep improving one thing at a time, it will all come together.  And if I can remember fucking clothes. I was hoping we were going to be rock stars, but we most definitely are not.  I barely careened us around these courses, there's no way my arrogant fucking asshole self could get us around prelim.