AF Derby - Quickie summary

I've been too tired to really type out the AF Derby, and mostly, my anxiety about being a terrible rider. If I wait much longer, I'll forget, so here's the highlights:
- Although we got there at exactly the time I planned on, I did not plan on the 30 minute line to get my number. That threw me completely off schedule, so my warm-up consisted of NO lunging, and once over each warm-up fence (still at hopeful height).
- We were second to go. The first horse refused a lot. Therefore, so did Willig.
- We had a refusal on the very first fence, where I immediately gave up the tiny shred of hope I had about actually competing, and switched my whip to my left hand, which I had forgotten to do ahead of time. I DID stop him right in front of the fence and let him look at it.
- Then we lost steering in between fences 2 and 3.
- And a refusal at 3. (With a stop and looking at it.) There were a lot of fences in this area, and poor ADD Willig was completely overstimulated (and under-warmed-up).
- Then we made it over 4.
- He hit 5 with his back feet.
- Made it over 6 and 7.
- Walked through the water.
- Tried to refuse 8, but since I had (cleverly) switched the crop, I smacked him and we went over it.
- Made it over 9.
- And I pulled off and circled 10 because it had looked ENORMOUS to me when I (in a rush) walked the course. When we came back to it at a trot, he was all "holy shit" becuase I had pulled him off, and so he sort of came to a walk/halt, and then sprang over it like a deer. This was actually quite rewarding because if he could jump the fence I thought was enormous from basically a stand still, I can stop worrying about the size of the jumps.

Then we watched for a while, practiced patience at the trailer for a while, got tired of patience (and local hay) and tried to dig to China, and therefore, got to the dressage warm up arena about an hour before my ride.

There, we watched an INCREDIBLE rider warming up and riding her prelim test. She was a delight to watch.
Then we accidentally cut off a kid for her test (as a lawyer, I misunderstood what "two more riders then you" meant), rode our test with only one spook, watched Amy Tryon jump a training level course (and some other riders), and then got my worst dressage score ever ...
46.9.

Until that point, I felt like the day was success. Since that point, I have felt like a total failure of a rider. (First place was about a 30.5.)
The major comment is an up arrow (increase?) "bit". As best I can tell, it means increase my contact with the bit. The only other negative comments are his spook ("counter bent"), his down transition from trot to walk ("abrupt"), his free walk ("lacks energy/march").
And me - the rider - I got a 5. He also got a 5 for submission.
The judge's comment says "Horse has nice gaits & appears to be kind. (Surely I am reading that wrong.) Needs positive direction from you."

Last summer's BN test (I could only find one of two), was a 39.5, with a "crooked on center line", "circle too small and off center". He got a 5 for submission there too, but I got a 6.

At that show, he got 2nd. The show before that he got 3rd.
At the last two derbies, he has been in the bottom quartile - which means the bottom 5.

So, we appear to be getting worse. How this could be, I'm not sure, since we are riding better (it feels - I mean, obviously not the refusals). I guess it is going from hopeful/grasshopper to BN, but that shouldn't change my dressage score, and he has the ability to jump the fences.

In line, the women in front of me were talking about how it was "too embarrassing" to ride BN. Maybe my standards are too low. Maybe I've been working with him alone too long, so I think that not spooking = success.

My plan is to see how the next few months go. We have the ideal set up for success now - rapid improvement: lessons with Mike, clinics with Jonathan, boarding at Forest Park, and a few more unrecognized derbies and stuff. If he hasn't improved at BN by fall, I think I should rethink my riding ability and what I'm doing with him.

In other news, Stampy came with us, and T said that he got many, many "He's going in Hopeful, right?" and "How many hands tall is he?"

And for those of you who are Strokes fans, here is Willig's theme song:
"Take it or leave it" from "Is this it?"
The words are sort of ...
"Leave me alone, I'm in control, I'm in control
Girls ask too much, boys act too tough, enough is enough
....
I said just take it or leave it (repeat)
I say, he's going to let you down (repeat)
I'm going to break your back for a chance
I'm going to steal your friends if you dare
We're going to win some day

I fell off the track
I can't go back
I'm not like that
Boys ask too much, girls act too tough, enough is enough
On the minds of other girls, I know he was
I said just take it or leave it (repeat)
I say
He's going to let you down (repeat)
I'm going to break your back for a chance
I'm going to steal your friends if you dare
I'm going to win some day
...."