Chock full of lessons lesson

I had a jumping lesson with Shannon today. Although I really wanted the lesson, as the time approached I started feeling an uncomfortable feeling that it took me a while to identify - nervousness. Again. So I didn't want the lesson, but I did want the lesson, and I got all kinds of cranky, and had the lesson, and it was great and I'm so relieved I had the lesson.
Three main take-away messages:
1. Jump about 5 little jumps without stirrups every time I jump from now on. To cure the jumping ahead. Do a little bit of warm up, drop my stirrups and take the little jump without them, pick them back up and go on with my ride.
2. Ride him defensively (what I think of as assertively). I'm the boss. I need to stop being wishy-washy passive-pansy-pants cringing on my way to these tiny fences and hoping he'll be a good horsey and go over them. Man up, Martha.
3. And if he's naughty and runs out, make him uncomfortable. Yell and kick and hit him with the whip. Stop in front of the fence or get right back in front of it and make a big stinking deal out of it. And then make a little circle and come right back at it. Make it more uncomfortable for him to stand there in front of the fence than just go over it in the first place.
In more esoteric evaluation:
I ride like I'm 14 riding an equitation show jumper. Even with Shannon standing and yelling at me, it's really difficult for me to not ride passively to the fence. And if I want to ride Willig, I need to get over this.
I actually suspect this comes from work. I've noticed a recent, distressing and growing inability to make decisions. I suspect it's because I have to make decisions all day long where I feel out of my comfort zone but have to act confident, and it's just so exhausting that in the rest of my life, I just don't have enough energy left for it. I have been saying this a few times frequently in less kind terms - "Why am I such a bitch at work, but then I get on Willig and I'm this little wallflower?" Part of this goes to last year's debate - is Willig the right horse for me? - if I just want to putter around after work, then no, he's clearly not. But if I want to finally learn how to ride well, then he's a stretch goal - a challenge - and he makes me work and work and improve. It's hard, but I'm so proud of how far we've come from last year to this year. If we keep moving at that rate - holy cow - the sky is the limit. (Not literally. 3' is probably the limit.)
Anyway, so Shannon made those three points, and about a zillion more, in an hour of hard work. Like usual, several light bulbs went off for me that are hard for me to capture even just a few hours later. (One of which is that I am obviously not the type of person who is ever going to have horse intuition, and the more I can work with trainers, the better. Also, since I learned from a Practical Horseman a few years (?) back that I'm a kinesthetic learner - the reading and watching don't really click for me as well as a lesson does, where someone can say "feel that now" and I can match what I'm doing with the feeling and recreate it on my own.)
I still need to think about my heels down, and I still need to work on "evening" my hands. That &*#&*(#& left hand is still sneaking around on me. And bending him to the left. My lord, something so simple and easy to see and yet so impossible.
When I jump, I need to think "steer like I'm skiing" and not use each hand independently (which is too hard for my brain, and confuses poor Willig when my left hand is like "over here!" and then overshoots and my right hand says "you dummy!" and overcorrects). And steer him with my legs. He responds just fine to that.
I need to work harder and firmer in warm up. He was squirrely - WAY squirrelier than last week when he bucked me off (and as much as I get nervous, it is so good to have a lesson on a "bad" day so I learn how to work with it. While it's still educational, a lesson on a good day just kind of builds confidence), but Shannon worked us so much harder than I usually do during warm up, that he was just "yes ma'am, what next?" instead of "EEEK! A Leaf!!"
And this could count as #4, although I don't know how to improve it directly - improve my reaction time. I'm SLOW. I don't whip him fast enough, I don't see the problem coming and correct it fast enough (I know HOW to correct a lot of them, I am just too slow), and I don't praise him fast enough.
We did a low jump (with flowers, since he was eyeballing them) on a circle, then the same low jump at 3:00 and another low jump at 12:00 (going counterclockwise).
Then those two jumps, but a right hand turn to a vertical.
Then those three, but a figure 8 back to flowers, a 2nd figure 8, back over the 3.
Then the middle one got a blanket on it. And miraculously, we went over it (with my right side keeping him from running out - way to go lazy right side!), but then I was so excited I way overshot and missed the third fence.
So we did the same combination a few more times but with the blanket.
And it was HARD for me to make those turns - they weren't that sharp, but as soon as we'd add one or change direction, it was really hard for me to make it.
So Shannon suggested we keep working on little stuff, making it scary like with the blanket, doing some work without stirrups, and making some turns. And I agree, let's get that foundation super strong, and then go to height.
She thinks if I just act confident, that's what he needs. He's not a confident horse, and I just keep waiting for him to offer to do things against his nature. I guess that says an awful, uncomfortable lot about me.
And I was RED for like an hour afterwards - I am NOT riding him hard enough on my own.
He was great today. Another gold star for him.